Some old thoughts....
Seems like the shadows of aftermath are back...
Aftermath... "She said" :+ I f you don't feel like doing these things now then don't ...let your self be free to do what is needed , not what is imposed on...
+ You tend to exaggerate things and take the dark side of things...being extremist won't help you much
+ You may think that talking won't be useful but it may be positive and relieveing you from a burden...
+ Just do what you feel and what you want...you want to take a book a go outside in a quiet place to read, do so ....you want to stay alone with no friend and focus more on the piano, do so ....you want to see a friend and go spend sometime then at last minute you felt like staying alone , stay alone............
+ You still can fulfill the messages that God gave you ...
+Looking at the dark side and exaggerating makes you put your state in big expressions and words of big meaning which is not the best case....
Aftermath....Sacrifices:+ All the sacrifices you have made for me can never be forgotten.........sacrificing even the time you spend with your family or the time when you rest....maybe I have never told you that I appreciate all these sacrifices and can't thank you enough for it...
+ Seems I was the sacrifice to make all parties happy....It sounds strange how could she just give up on me so easily and accept the state of me as a sacrifice...I wonder ?!!
+ I had to sacrifice many times...willingly or unwillingly I had to sacrifice...I had to avoid any trouble...maybe I wished to be there....but I had to sacrifice !!
+"Revenge is best served Cold ..!!!"
Aftermath....Christmas !!:+ Christmas in Egypt for the last couple of years holds bad memories...It reminds me of her...it reminds me of my failure...it reminds me of fake....
+Like every Christmas...I saw her in the carols when I least expected to see her....She was there just in front of me...every now and then looking back at me with that look that penetrates deep in my heart awakening every deep sleepy wound...
+I couldn't be there with you ...part of me wanted to stay despite all the contradictions....part of me wanted to be there just to enjoy your presence .....But ,I can't afford to bring you any trouble...A shadow I am and a shadow I will remain...
+"Dear God; why do you have to bring Christmas always in the time when I am so down...when I can't find what is cheering people ....I find all people around me faking smiles and singing carols of the tongue not of the heart...I can't attain that ....can you bring your special smile to my face...can you help me ?!!
Aftermath...She III:+ It is so hard for me to keep on stealing these moments while others can have it so easily.....I wish the day would come when I can enjoy a moment of not stealing....a moment of reality.....
+ It is difficult to think that soon it will be me with him...He is great , he is skilled ...yet it is him at the end !!
I will be like a sample under observation....my actions...my speech....my calls....
I believe he will try to find out what is the thing in me that is the reason for all that attraction
+Me , him , her......a difficult combination that I can't think of ....There is something (or somethings) that makes me uncomfortable with him...specially when it comes to her...
+I believe that also he will be under my observation as they say "24/7"....I will not leave him until I find out that thing that keeps me uncomfortable with him....
+Is it the same case for me and him....are they the same circumstances....what is similar....what is different ??!!
+Different issues , same fact ...."I may like or not like your community ...I may or may not feel comfortable with your friends...yet I love you and I have yo respect your community and friends"
Aftermath...God :+ I am sorry God...I failed to pass the test of thanksgiving , test of love , test of forgiveness , test of faith& trust , test
+I am sorry I failed to graduate...I failed to abide in you and fulfill your repeated message...
+I am sorry I lost my faith in you and in the power of prayers..
+I am sorry I lost love to everyone...I can't forgive anymore..
+Help me regain all what I lost...Help me regain my peace
Aftermath...She II :
+ It is at somepoint that there will be a conflict ....different growing environments , different habits and culture will generate a thin line that I must be very careful when dealing with.......what I see as strange or fake ...she enjoys
+ It had been that moment when I felt I am a thief...I am stealing moments from her life......."watch out as .... may be attending here"....then for heaven's sake why am I here ??!!!
+I may like or not like your community ...I may like or not like your friends...yet I love you and respect your community and friends.
Aftermath…She:+ Everywhere I go, everything I do reminds me of you….streets, cafes, restaurants,….I know it may sound insane but it is the truth
+ Memories: I do have these shots of memories that comes and goes in waves of 2 incidents that I can never forget; the day I saw you crying when I was informed that I am no more in NSN and the day when I was jus pissed off from everything and got all what is inside in form of words……..
+ Hibernation: Being so helpless and useless, I decided to take a side of silence
I have been there to help , care , love , ….Now I can’t even bear my self , I can’t help my self , I can’t cheer my self…..I am weak
I lost the vision and the heart.. A seed of hatred has taken place and am struggling with it now.
I thank God you are the only land till now that this seed didn’t touch.
I think that if I can’t help now …at least I ought not to double your burdens.
I know you will come to me saying “what are friends for and ….”
But…I love you to the extent that I don’t want you to carry my burden....I don’t want you to care for my sorrows
+ “Please don’t say your faith…you helped me gain my faith back”….
