Infected...

This time it is literall !!
I got infected

The feeling of being Contagiuos is so strange !!!
You don't want to be alone
BUT
You don't want other people to get infected !!
You don't want to spread the virus !!

Feelings of guilt dominating ...
Although I don't know if I had infected anyone or not ...
I have that strong feeling of guilt !!!

Feelings of fear ....
I am afraid ...
Don't know what I am afraid of ..!!!

a question

It came up to ma mind today ....
Why ??
Why do I keep giving unconditional love ?
Why do I keep helping and giving all the time ?
Sometimes I wait for someone to help ....but in vain
Sometimes I feel I need to be loved the way I love ...but in vain

I had that question before with her...
This time it is a different issue , yet the same question !!

Why can't I find what I am seeking ??!!!

DE PROFUNDUS CLEMO AD TE DOMINE

lone thoughts....

Detached...



It 's so strange
I always expect people to treat me as I do with them
Even in simple things
BUT
People remain the same , noone change
Even the closest person to you ...
Never expect someone to understand you or treat you fairly !!!


Her life
I jus found myself there
I see things everyday and wonder
Will I be like that oneday !!!
OMG !!
I don't wanna be like that
I don't wanna mutate like her
I don't wanna get infected like her
She is infected !!!
On the other side I see him
Him vs Her
I can see the difference clearly


I expected her to be different but she ain't
She is also infected
She is like them ...
Yet
She is my special friend

I have hope n faith
I need You to strengthen me
I need to find her

How....

How can I help her ?!!
What can I do to help her out of that misery ??
What is my role ?
Why God did you put me in that place ?
Why do you make me feel so much for her ??!!!
Kindness , advice , sympathy ...
All these I feel so helpless
I feel so helpless...
I feel am bound in cuffs !!!
I want to do somethin...
I want to hold her tears...
I pray..
Prayers do miracles...
God...I need a miracle
" If you want to have a miracle , be one !!"
God , please help me to be the miracle in her life..
I need to know how to be a miracle...
I need to know how to pray...

De Profundus Clemo Ad Te DOMINE

thoughts of days ....

Detached...
A word that keeps ringing in ma mind


I lost that fire...
The thing that keeps burning inside to keep you always firey...
I faded down


"Come unto me, all [ye] that labour and are heavy
laden, and I will give you rest." Mathew 11:28
Thx for the support


Every move , every gesture , everylook
Even there
Reminds me of you !!!

I had a vow that I will never do that
Whatever happens , this is not mine , it is his
He deserves better , it ain't ma right
I have to get detached
Oneday or another this will happen


The prophecy ....


I love this family that You gave me Jesus
Really bless them and bless me in ,them with them n by them !!!

Random.....

"You are too good to be true....
I trust you with my life " ...she said


I need a hug from someone who loves me so much...
Someone that I trust so much...
Someone who cares for me so much...
Someone where I know that there's always a shoulder for ma head to lean on , there's always a place in his heart for ma thoughts , for ma tears , for ma emotions...
A place for me

"When you get fed up you act so passively , stand in silence" she said

She is there but not here
A dilemma
Detached and attached at the same time
It can't go on
We can't go on
How long will this phase last ??

Thoughts ...The Message !!!

"Get out of your country, From your family And from your father's house......And you shall be a blessing " Genesis 12 : 1-4


Why am I doing that ?
Coz I love her n wanna help her n carry some of her buredn ?
Coz she is my friend ?
What if it was not for her ??!!
What if it was for him , would I do it ??!!
Thinking on ma way there , I found no answer !!!

So strange to find that the one who is today stressed , ignored , depressed to be tomorrow " A man according to God's heart " !!!


Nothing will go as I plan for ...I should know that


I am ver unique n special !!
His preparations n plans are so strange ....
Nothing goes normal ...
But
It's all about me who accepts the potter hand to shape me in every strange way needed...

It's His Grace...
"for thou hast found favour with God"
Only coz of His mercy n love ...
The Grace that will give me strength during ma weakness ...
The Grace that gives me faith and hope during hard times , fixing my eyes on Him and His presence ...!!!
The cost of this Grace will not be earthly wealth n pleasure n.....!!!
The cost will be hardships , weakness , battles ,......
"My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness "

She never complained for the strange situations and circumstances that You had put in her life ...!!!
When she accepted Your grace , her life didn't get any more easeier or more pleasant with lots of wealth !!!
On the Contrary !!!
She had to bear it all..She had to Sacrifice her only Son ...!!!
She had to sacrifice You...Jesus !!!

You are always on ma mind...
Dunno why I feel that I am not doing ma mission right ...
I am misusing it for ma own benefit ...
I always think...what more can I do Lord ??!!
PLease give me wisdom to know what to do
Give me wisdom ..Your wisdom
Give me love ...Your love...
Give me a heart...A heart like Jesus

I wish you could have come...
You said you will come ...
I wish that you could have had His message ...
He is there for you ma dear...
HE was , HE is n HE will always be ...
BUT...
I know...
I know that He will get to you His way not mine...!!!
I always think that you should go there or do that or....
His ways ain't ma ways , His thoughts ain't ma thoughts
I have full faith n hope..!!!
He will touch you ...
It is getting closer n closer each day ..!!!
You are very special n very unique...
Only He can know how to touch you

Dreams....

I jus found him there...
It has been a while since we last met
I know that he cares for me
But...
I dunno
I ran after him
He saw me n stopped
I threw ma self in his shoulders
He hugged me n I cried ...

Lying in that bed after the accident
Speechless...
I am speechless..
I can't speak anymore...
She is there crying and holding ma hand ..
She is there in a shock and can't speak a word ..
He is there playing his notes ..
She is there reading her thoughts ..
He is there holding ma hands , saying " He is here with you " but not in words...in emotions...
There comes the night
All alone I wake up
Play ma notes , play n play n play
Play n cry .....
The morning sun is back...
I take it with me n go wandering the streets
Shooting faces , situations , anything
I talk all ma words in the shots ...

Random thoughts...

sensual
simple
beautiful
emotional
an artist
insane
crazy4jesus
open minded
a true real friend
amazing
trusts me
raises me up
always there
supporting
In ma dreams she is....


What will happen when these days come ?
Will I do like him or will she act like her ?
Will it fade down ?
Am I gonna fade also ??!!!
Am I gonna fight for it , fight for her ??
A year , two , five....
What will be the priority , commitement or friendship ??!!!
Anyway , like a dream it is ...so far away


Puttin ma self in his shoes n thinkin...
Seems so difficult
How , why ......


Nothing goes normal in the life of a believer
Don't expect to have anything normal !!!


Will it end oneday ??
Jus like all the others ...
Nothing survived , nothing lasted
BUT....
It is different ...
Will she reconsider oneday( when she comes back to her mind !!) ??!!
I don't think I will do so ...
I know that oneday something will happen
God only knows what...!!!

It struck me when she said it ...
"I feel he is a different person , as if I am dealing with two different persons ..."

Warmness..

Warmness...
A feeling I have when I see her with her kids ...
When I see how she misses them ...
How she talks about them , how she talks with them..
When I see her amazing motherhood...

dedicated to You ...
Thanks for being there for me