Old thoughts....Aftermath : Complete Story

Some old thoughts....
Seems like the shadows of aftermath are back...



Aftermath... "She said" :

+ I f you don't feel like doing these things now then don't ...let your self be free to do what is needed , not what is imposed on...

+ You tend to exaggerate things and take the dark side of things...being extremist won't help you much

+ You may think that talking won't be useful but it may be positive and relieveing you from a burden...

+ Just do what you feel and what you want...you want to take a book a go outside in a quiet place to read, do so ....you want to stay alone with no friend and focus more on the piano, do so ....you want to see a friend and go spend sometime then at last minute you felt like staying alone , stay alone............

+ You still can fulfill the messages that God gave you ...

+Looking at the dark side and exaggerating makes you put your state in big expressions and words of big meaning which is not the best case....

Aftermath....Sacrifices:

+ All the sacrifices you have made for me can never be forgotten.........sacrificing even the time you spend with your family or the time when you rest....maybe I have never told you that I appreciate all these sacrifices and can't thank you enough for it...

+ Seems I was the sacrifice to make all parties happy....It sounds strange how could she just give up on me so easily and accept the state of me as a sacrifice...I wonder ?!!

+ I had to sacrifice many times...willingly or unwillingly I had to sacrifice...I had to avoid any trouble...maybe I wished to be there....but I had to sacrifice !!

+"Revenge is best served Cold ..!!!"




Aftermath....Christmas !!:

+ Christmas in Egypt for the last couple of years holds bad memories...It reminds me of her...it reminds me of my failure...it reminds me of fake....

+Like every Christmas...I saw her in the carols when I least expected to see her....She was there just in front of me...every now and then looking back at me with that look that penetrates deep in my heart awakening every deep sleepy wound...

+I couldn't be there with you ...part of me wanted to stay despite all the contradictions....part of me wanted to be there just to enjoy your presence .....But ,I can't afford to bring you any trouble...A shadow I am and a shadow I will remain...

+"Dear God; why do you have to bring Christmas always in the time when I am so down...when I can't find what is cheering people ....I find all people around me faking smiles and singing carols of the tongue not of the heart...I can't attain that ....can you bring your special smile to my face...can you help me ?!!


Aftermath...She III:

+ It is so hard for me to keep on stealing these moments while others can have it so easily.....I wish the day would come when I can enjoy a moment of not stealing....a moment of reality.....

+ It is difficult to think that soon it will be me with him...He is great , he is skilled ...yet it is him at the end !!

I will be like a sample under observation....my actions...my speech....my calls....

I believe he will try to find out what is the thing in me that is the reason for all that attraction

+Me , him , her......a difficult combination that I can't think of ....There is something (or somethings) that makes me uncomfortable with him...specially when it comes to her...

+I believe that also he will be under my observation as they say "24/7"....I will not leave him until I find out that thing that keeps me uncomfortable with him....

+Is it the same case for me and him....are they the same circumstances....what is similar....what is different ??!!

+Different issues , same fact ...."I may like or not like your community ...I may or may not feel comfortable with your friends...yet I love you and I have yo respect your community and friends"




Aftermath...God :

+ I am sorry God...I failed to pass the test of thanksgiving , test of love , test of forgiveness , test of faith& trust , test

+I am sorry I failed to graduate...I failed to abide in you and fulfill your repeated message...

+I am sorry I lost my faith in you and in the power of prayers..

+I am sorry I lost love to everyone...I can't forgive anymore..

+Help me regain all what I lost...Help me regain my peace


Aftermath...She II :

+ It is at somepoint that there will be a conflict ....different growing environments , different habits and culture will generate a thin line that I must be very careful when dealing with.......what I see as strange or fake ...she enjoys

+ It had been that moment when I felt I am a thief...I am stealing moments from her life......."watch out as .... may be attending here"....then for heaven's sake why am I here ??!!!

+I may like or not like your community ...I may like or not like your friends...yet I love you and respect your community and friends.



Aftermath…She:

+ Everywhere I go, everything I do reminds me of you….streets, cafes, restaurants,….I know it may sound insane but it is the truth

+ Memories: I do have these shots of memories that comes and goes in waves of 2 incidents that I can never forget; the day I saw you crying when I was informed that I am no more in NSN and the day when I was jus pissed off from everything and got all what is inside in form of words……..

+ Hibernation: Being so helpless and useless, I decided to take a side of silence
I have been there to help , care , love , ….Now I can’t even bear my self , I can’t help my self , I can’t cheer my self…..I am weak
I lost the vision and the heart.. A seed of hatred has taken place and am struggling with it now.
I thank God you are the only land till now that this seed didn’t touch.
I think that if I can’t help now …at least I ought not to double your burdens.
I know you will come to me saying “what are friends for and ….”
But…I love you to the extent that I don’t want you to carry my burden....I don’t want you to care for my sorrows

+ “Please don’t say your faith…you helped me gain my faith back”….

Thoughts .....Adaptation vs Mutation...

It is that thin line that is between mutation and adaptation...
Adaptation is a phase that happens every now and then when there is a change in environment , culture , ....
Mutation is the phase when the new surroundings have a major effect on changing the core of you...
Sometimes it is difficult to differentiate between mutation and adaptation...
Sometimes adaptation turns to mutation without you even noticing ...
Sometimes the adaptation level is not as required( or as expected) by those around you ...
Sometimes the tolerance level doesn't allow adaptation to be fully achieved...
Many factors that takes place in the adaptation phase that doesn't make it so easy to judge on the success of such a process...

Between keeping the core and mutation...remains the true essence of adaptation !!

Scent of the past....

the scent of her perfume sticking to ma skin ...
I keep recalling that very short conversation while Josh voice reaching to ma inner me "Per te Per te "
"Happy late birthday..." she said
I pretend with that simple smile that am OK ..."Hope you are doing well ....thanks ..."
Looking deep in her eyes ..I scream so silently "Don't try to fix me am not broken !!"
I keep asking myself "God , why do You make me bump into her that accidenlty more frequently ??!!"
I wondered what if she had never seen me today...I guess she would have never called to share the greeting ...simple !!
Josh still singing....."Darò tutto l'amore che ho per te"
Thoughts blasting ma brain...
Josh next song plays bringing a simple answer that ends everything ....
"She's out of my life"

Aftermath …The Start

+ “It was once said that one needs three things; something to do , something to look forward to and someone to love” Anonymous

+ Dreams I: It is the act of combining various scenes from the day , names , places , persons and put them together in an illogical place , illogical story and illogical time where all these are generated in the darkest hours of the night….when you are at your weakest point.

+ Dreams II: when you lay awake waiting for your nightmare knowing it will come..
When you avoid sleeping to run away from your next death!!
Dreams where I have accidents, I am a target of assassins, I am a murderer and a fugitive,…

+ “Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

+Revenge : when find that there is a seed of hatred planted and getting its roots deep down and you stand in wonder how did it reach the soil of your heart …
When you think of nothing other than revenge …
Once I asked my self “ Why do I need to get even with him ??!!” ….it is strange because it didn’t happen before…last time it was not like that .
The only reason was .....

+ Major Depressive disorder : a mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem, and loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities.
Some accompanying symptoms: IBS, back pain …
I believe time has come to see a therapist….

+ Why on earth can’t I just let go of "her" ?
Why is it difficult?
Why am I so hanging so much to an illusion that will never come to land of reality ?!!

+I don't want to be like him
I don't want to grow old alone....with success....with money ....BUT Alone ......


+I saw her....It was that day when I saw her
What has changed ?!

the need.....

I feel a deep need for writing...
But
What to write ??
How to write ?!
Why to write ??!!!

What is missing ??
What is it that makes me want to write ??
Is it that missing Utopia that makes me always seeking what has no existence ??!!

What is the value of oneself ?
How do I feel that I have a value ??!!
What if I failed to feel that...how do I cope with that ??!!!

How to feel the presence of God in the darkest hours ??
How to keep "The Vision" ??
"What I like about you is that you have a vision in your life.." she said
Do I have a "Vision" ??!!!
Sometimes I wonder if it was a real vision or it was just a temporarily desire !!

I need to........

I couldn't answer

"What is wrong with you ?!" he asked..
"Do you need to love or what ??!!"
I couldn't answer...
Do I need to love or to be loved ?!!

I hate that...

I hate being attached to someone...
Getting close to someone and caring for him/her...
Knowing their secrets and the details of their daily life...
I hate when it comes over my nerves...
I hate when someone "grabs" me into his/her life then act normally ...
Increasing the intimacy level predicts danger in that relation...
I suffered it before , am suffering now and I know it will never end...!!
Differenet persons , different stories yet same case...being attached..

I need to get detached from them...

Back...

Seems like I have to come back to blogging
There have been many times when I had something to write
But
I stopped the thoughts from transforming to words
I held back the fingers from typing..
"What change will it make?!!"
"What is so interesting in soulless thoughts of a thoughtless soul ??!!!!"

Today I have so many confused meanings in my mind
"Value : what is the value of oneself "
"Work life balance: .............."
"Relations : well I definitely need to set rules defining such a word !!"
"Faith : how to put faith in practice ??!"
"Trust: Do I really trust Him , His plan ??!!!!"
"Knowledge: "For in much wisdom[is] much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow." Ecclesiastes


Definitely this is not the best phase in my life

A dream...

I had that dream yesterday...
She was there...
She was visiting me in ma house !!
Well it was almost a surprise...



I can't remember details...

I miss them

I do miss them...
Their memory is coming and going like waves ...
When I enter the church and look to the corner where they used to sit ...

I miss you Grandma and miss you M.Ervina

Faith VS Reality ....

I am at that point, where it is between faith and reality
“You said that you do trust …wait for a real test that is coming on the way to show how much you trust!!” he said
I am at a Test of Faith phase
How much o I believe the words I am speaking
How much do I live these words!!
Trust, faith, His Perfect Plan, Real Life,
Many expressions going in ma head!!

“Wait on the Lord, be of good courage and He will strengthen your heart….I say unto you wait on the Lord!!”

God’s Thoughts and Emotions !!

I was thinking today about How God is feeling for our pain
What are His emotions at these situations??!!
How does He feel and react at these moments ??!!
For a 2 year old girl that is beaten by her father for no reason ....
For a 5 year old boy child who is cruelly treated by his father ...
For a mother that is spoiling and over pampering her child ...
For a soul that is seeking care and attraction from everywhere around her , but she can’t feel it !!
For all the homeless , the poor , the abused ,the hurt .....

“I want to know God’s thoughts …..the rest are details !!” A. Einstein

pathetic...

I am so pathetic...
I know I should stop it
I know must get over it ...
I know it is over...
I can't....
I need help...
Every time this happens , I feel so pathetic !!

randomness through time .........

every inch of ma body is aching
it had been long time since I last had executed such a physical effort

I had a dream...she was there !!
I was in a hospital staying with a sick person and I knew that she would be there
She was also staying with that same person ...
We were dealing so normal
He was also there !!
Many other details that I intentionally made maself forget !!
I need not to remember any details about her !!

Ideas of going to a psychic therapist or something !!
Am I mad ??!!
If I can't get her out of my mind , out of my thoughts , out of my heart till now
Then why ??
Why now ?
Why this drugging style ??!!!

It was a good day that I spent with special friends
I was happy to see you there...
But...
I had a strange feeling
I was not happy
What was wrong ??!!
I dunno
Maybe I was tired...
Maybe I was thinking of .............

He is back !!!
My dear friend and brother is back !!
He is a real blessing in my life !!
Thank You Lord for such a blessing :)

haunted...

I am haunted by her...
I see her everywhere , she pops up in all ma thoughts

"Remember that scene from that movie (Hunchback of Notre Dame) when she was praying in the church and the sunlight was reflecting from the stained glass...." he said
The only scene I got imagine is her photo...in the same position !!

Going through some old documents n stuff ....I found something
A CD cover that designed for a DVD holding some of her favorite movies ...
It was intended to be a gift...a gift that found its place in ma stuff n never reached her !!!

I am asking myself a question that I can't answer these days !!
"What if she is back ??!!
Am I ready for this relation ??!!
Why am I fighting for someone that doesn't consider many among the priorities ??!!
What do I mean for her now??
What is her place in my heart ??!!
Is she the one that God had chosen for me ??!!"