pathetic...

I am so pathetic...
I know I should stop it
I know must get over it ...
I know it is over...
I can't....
I need help...
Every time this happens , I feel so pathetic !!

randomness through time .........

every inch of ma body is aching
it had been long time since I last had executed such a physical effort

I had a dream...she was there !!
I was in a hospital staying with a sick person and I knew that she would be there
She was also staying with that same person ...
We were dealing so normal
He was also there !!
Many other details that I intentionally made maself forget !!
I need not to remember any details about her !!

Ideas of going to a psychic therapist or something !!
Am I mad ??!!
If I can't get her out of my mind , out of my thoughts , out of my heart till now
Then why ??
Why now ?
Why this drugging style ??!!!

It was a good day that I spent with special friends
I was happy to see you there...
But...
I had a strange feeling
I was not happy
What was wrong ??!!
I dunno
Maybe I was tired...
Maybe I was thinking of .............

He is back !!!
My dear friend and brother is back !!
He is a real blessing in my life !!
Thank You Lord for such a blessing :)

haunted...

I am haunted by her...
I see her everywhere , she pops up in all ma thoughts

"Remember that scene from that movie (Hunchback of Notre Dame) when she was praying in the church and the sunlight was reflecting from the stained glass...." he said
The only scene I got imagine is her photo...in the same position !!

Going through some old documents n stuff ....I found something
A CD cover that designed for a DVD holding some of her favorite movies ...
It was intended to be a gift...a gift that found its place in ma stuff n never reached her !!!

I am asking myself a question that I can't answer these days !!
"What if she is back ??!!
Am I ready for this relation ??!!
Why am I fighting for someone that doesn't consider many among the priorities ??!!
What do I mean for her now??
What is her place in my heart ??!!
Is she the one that God had chosen for me ??!!"

I miss you...

I miss you
I am always praying for you
Till we meet again
......................

Stealing...

As if I am stealing these moments with them...
Same case different persons...
A feeling of guilt that haunts me everytime...
I had that dream about her yesterday...
This doesn't feel good..
I want this to stop...I want to have ma own life..
I need to have that one with whom I ain't stealing moments..

I need a friend ...

Dear God,

Maybe it has been a while since we last talked about this issue
I know that when I will ask you “Can you give me a friend, I need a friend …”
You will look from up above with that smile asking “Don‘t you already have enough friends??!!”
Maybe it is not like that
I know that you blessed me beyond what I needed ….
You made me a multitalented free spirit …
But…this issue is annoying me!!!
Maybe it is so minor for you
I try to ignore it ….
But it comes and goes like waves…
I feel so lonely sometimes
God…It is so hard to be the person who gives care, love, support while when these are needed it is difficult to have them!!
I do have special persons in my life
But what makes it harder is that I can’t find the same love, care and support from these special persons!!
For them I am always there to help, care, love, support …
But when I am down …
I find no one there!!
I can’t blame them because they have many issues that make them incapable of performing their role in the friendship, yet they are special and I can’t stop loving or caring or supporting them….a Dilemma, isn’t it??!!
It just hurts when I need them and they are not there, or they just can’t be there!!
I need a friend who can lead me to you …
I need a friend who comes to me when I am down and whispers “let’s go have a talk with Jesus …!”
I need a friend who can lift me up when I am weak and show me the real meaning of what true Christian fellowship is!!
I had that friend before …You sent him before!!!
Now that friend is gone
I feel so tired and weak that I can’t support or love or care anymore
I am beginning to feel that I am doing this as duty not out of a loving heart!!
I know that You are the source of all love and support BUT really I need that human touch!!
You did give me that true friend before
I need one again!!
I know that this phase is a part of your plan …
I know that I lack emotional and spiritual maturity and you are trying to build these in me!!
I don’t like complaining and You know that!!
I am just talking with You because I don’t have anyone else to talk with
I am sure you are hearing me ….
No need to remind you that “He who promised is faithful!!” Hebrews 10
I love you …
I fully trust your plan...
I am waiting on you Lord …!!

Yours
A free spirit !!

I don't want to.....

I don't want to be like that...
I don't want to be like her oneday ..
I don't want you to be like her oneday ....

Insomnia...

Thoughts struggling inside ma head...
I can't sleep

Haunted by the past
Comes and goes like waves...
I go through the history
"Did she write that ??!!"...I wonder

It is difficult to remain silent
I have to bear that
What is her place in my life ??
I wish I can do something even small that can help her !!

I am fading
These eyes are losing their gift , losing their sight
I can't see anymore
I can't have my own vision
I am getting blind

What is next ?
After Your silence for sometime
What is the next part of Your plan ??

Can't wait to go there...
Where there is real love , peace , care...
I love them ...
Waiting to see miracles as usual !!

I could smell it again today with them ...
I could see it ...
I wonder if that day will come
I wonder will I have anything left to give!!



Many thoughts...same result
Insomnia

you did hurt me ....

I know that you were nervous...
I know that you needed to get that out...
I know that you needed to justify what is going on...
I know that I must not write that , I am the friend who is supposed to take all this without a complain...

But you hurt me ...
You asked me to keep silent...
You asked me not to speak...
You asked me not to be True with you....this did hurt me !!

"Maktub....."

Suffocated...
Choking...
In the middle of nowhere...

lifeless soul in the reality of a soulless life...
Weight of the world...

Me VS me...!!!
To be the true mirror even though this may hurt sometimes
Or !!!
To be the normal voice of sympathy..
A thin line between the Me & me !!
So hard to have a clear vision of the borderline !!
What is really the vision ??!!
Why me ??
Why now ??
seems like the dream maker left me all alone again !!!
Is this a test ??
Will I ever pass one of His tests ??!!!

haunted ....
Vacum ....and me in the middle of the nothingness...

"Maktub...." he said

........

They there in every dream…X & Y
X is always there , this time she had the kids …..it is not right and I know that!!
Y was also there …strange!!
Y was jealous!! (What the…!)
Thanks God I forgot the details…I was remembering everything but now by the time I am writing I forgot it!!!



Evanescent…

Whenever I am in such a gathering I can’t stop thinking about you
one day you were like that…you had this gift
But now !!
You don’t have it …
You don’t have that source of peace and love …
I wish you were here with me
I hope one day that you will regain that back


In the desert …
That part of “the dream maker” when he is in the desert
That is me now!!
Trying to cling to any hope
Till I come to understand or see what is next
What is after that …
All I have is only hope…

I miss him…
I need him…


Suffocating…
"Feels like the weight of the world…
Like God in heaven gave ma a Turn !!!!"
In the middle of all that I stand ...
I stand helpless ...I can't help them !!

The Message...

"Sometimes God doesn't want you to have that type of support and care
Support and care from your the ones you love and care for...
He is reforming you...
He wants to say " I don't want you to be like others"
It is not a coincidance that they were away from you or busy when you needed them while you were always there to support...
Maybe your message is to be their help and support but not necessary their role in your life !!
God wanted you to have your only shelter in Him...
He wants you to draw nearer to His heart...
He wants you not to be dependant on others but on Him !!"...he said

" Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
And see if [there be any] wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
Psalm 139

" He has a plan for you and He has to reform you to be suitable for that plan ...
Be sure that HE is preparing the best for you " ....he said

"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully [and] wonderfully made:
marvellous [are] thy works; and [that] my soul knoweth right well."
Psalm 139

Maybe I thought I was alone
Maybe lonesome thoughts haunted me...
Maybe they were not there for me ...
Maybe you were not there for me ...
But I couldn't understand it then !!!
Now I figured it out !!





This is for you....
you were the only one whom her absence affected me so much..
sometimes I was so pathetic...begging for care and support...
deep inside of me I felt that I am so weak ...
It did hurt me that I was always there for you but you are not there for me !!
But now...
I figured it out !!!

A mood

Walking in the streets ….
Looking into the faces, seeing the actions…
“No you are wrong…!” she said

Sufism…thoughts of a loving heart towards its creator
“Sali Salaa…….(pray a prayer in Arabic) “ …..Dhafer Youssef


With her I feel like I am safe…
I don’t feel complicated; I don’t have to be a hero…
I am ….

Emotional Confusion
Many emotions together
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry…

Feelings of lonesome haunting me …
They are not real …
Even you are not real …one day you will vanish just like the others did!!!


Why am I bothering myself now ??
Leaving
I know I love this city with its dirt and its dust ….
Confusion
“You love it and you know that…” she said

This is not right ….none of these relations is right!!
Why isn’t anything going normal in my life??!!!

Getting older…
I am getting older with no goal or objective
With no love….

His words....

These were his words …
Words of wisdom …

“ I treat all the people the same no discrimination according to living standard or education level …the office boy is the same as an engineer in respect ….we are all human.
I used to work while studying in Germany as a waiter in MacDonald’s , as a worker in Volkswagen factory …this taught me how to deal with different standards and different people “


“When you try to take something out of someone and convince him with something, don’t get to use many reasons to convince him….this makes you lose your credibility by being hesitant and not totally convinced with what you are saying!!
Use a single reason or a single cause that is strong and that is really convincing
Some people are affected by personal issues; others are affected by business logical causes…know what is the gate that will make you enter to that person’s gate and take his approval!!”



“Try to separate emotions and personal issues away from business…you need to do so “

..and that was it !!!

The call I was waiting for !!!
A call not like any call
A call from a friend...
She was a friend , a special friend ...

Keyword : Was !!
Yes....I figured out that after that call she was ...
In the past she was ...
She will still be I know
BUT
A friend , like any normal friend she will be ....
She is stuck in a dilemma ...
She can't balance ...
She can't live it normally , Simply
She can't live it fully.....
She can't live it Jesus !!

It was clear from today that this was almost the begining of the end...
The end of a friendship I wished it would last !!
A freindship I thought was real and true ....

just like all the past ....
noything will change ...
...and that was it !!!