I couldn't answer

"What is wrong with you ?!" he asked..
"Do you need to love or what ??!!"
I couldn't answer...
Do I need to love or to be loved ?!!

I hate that...

I hate being attached to someone...
Getting close to someone and caring for him/her...
Knowing their secrets and the details of their daily life...
I hate when it comes over my nerves...
I hate when someone "grabs" me into his/her life then act normally ...
Increasing the intimacy level predicts danger in that relation...
I suffered it before , am suffering now and I know it will never end...!!
Differenet persons , different stories yet same case...being attached..

I need to get detached from them...

Back...

Seems like I have to come back to blogging
There have been many times when I had something to write
But
I stopped the thoughts from transforming to words
I held back the fingers from typing..
"What change will it make?!!"
"What is so interesting in soulless thoughts of a thoughtless soul ??!!!!"

Today I have so many confused meanings in my mind
"Value : what is the value of oneself "
"Work life balance: .............."
"Relations : well I definitely need to set rules defining such a word !!"
"Faith : how to put faith in practice ??!"
"Trust: Do I really trust Him , His plan ??!!!!"
"Knowledge: "For in much wisdom[is] much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow." Ecclesiastes


Definitely this is not the best phase in my life

A dream...

I had that dream yesterday...
She was there...
She was visiting me in ma house !!
Well it was almost a surprise...



I can't remember details...

I miss them

I do miss them...
Their memory is coming and going like waves ...
When I enter the church and look to the corner where they used to sit ...

I miss you Grandma and miss you M.Ervina

Faith VS Reality ....

I am at that point, where it is between faith and reality
“You said that you do trust …wait for a real test that is coming on the way to show how much you trust!!” he said
I am at a Test of Faith phase
How much o I believe the words I am speaking
How much do I live these words!!
Trust, faith, His Perfect Plan, Real Life,
Many expressions going in ma head!!

“Wait on the Lord, be of good courage and He will strengthen your heart….I say unto you wait on the Lord!!”

God’s Thoughts and Emotions !!

I was thinking today about How God is feeling for our pain
What are His emotions at these situations??!!
How does He feel and react at these moments ??!!
For a 2 year old girl that is beaten by her father for no reason ....
For a 5 year old boy child who is cruelly treated by his father ...
For a mother that is spoiling and over pampering her child ...
For a soul that is seeking care and attraction from everywhere around her , but she can’t feel it !!
For all the homeless , the poor , the abused ,the hurt .....

“I want to know God’s thoughts …..the rest are details !!” A. Einstein

pathetic...

I am so pathetic...
I know I should stop it
I know must get over it ...
I know it is over...
I can't....
I need help...
Every time this happens , I feel so pathetic !!

randomness through time .........

every inch of ma body is aching
it had been long time since I last had executed such a physical effort

I had a dream...she was there !!
I was in a hospital staying with a sick person and I knew that she would be there
She was also staying with that same person ...
We were dealing so normal
He was also there !!
Many other details that I intentionally made maself forget !!
I need not to remember any details about her !!

Ideas of going to a psychic therapist or something !!
Am I mad ??!!
If I can't get her out of my mind , out of my thoughts , out of my heart till now
Then why ??
Why now ?
Why this drugging style ??!!!

It was a good day that I spent with special friends
I was happy to see you there...
But...
I had a strange feeling
I was not happy
What was wrong ??!!
I dunno
Maybe I was tired...
Maybe I was thinking of .............

He is back !!!
My dear friend and brother is back !!
He is a real blessing in my life !!
Thank You Lord for such a blessing :)

haunted...

I am haunted by her...
I see her everywhere , she pops up in all ma thoughts

"Remember that scene from that movie (Hunchback of Notre Dame) when she was praying in the church and the sunlight was reflecting from the stained glass...." he said
The only scene I got imagine is her photo...in the same position !!

Going through some old documents n stuff ....I found something
A CD cover that designed for a DVD holding some of her favorite movies ...
It was intended to be a gift...a gift that found its place in ma stuff n never reached her !!!

I am asking myself a question that I can't answer these days !!
"What if she is back ??!!
Am I ready for this relation ??!!
Why am I fighting for someone that doesn't consider many among the priorities ??!!
What do I mean for her now??
What is her place in my heart ??!!
Is she the one that God had chosen for me ??!!"

I miss you...

I miss you
I am always praying for you
Till we meet again
......................

Stealing...

As if I am stealing these moments with them...
Same case different persons...
A feeling of guilt that haunts me everytime...
I had that dream about her yesterday...
This doesn't feel good..
I want this to stop...I want to have ma own life..
I need to have that one with whom I ain't stealing moments..

I need a friend ...

Dear God,

Maybe it has been a while since we last talked about this issue
I know that when I will ask you “Can you give me a friend, I need a friend …”
You will look from up above with that smile asking “Don‘t you already have enough friends??!!”
Maybe it is not like that
I know that you blessed me beyond what I needed ….
You made me a multitalented free spirit …
But…this issue is annoying me!!!
Maybe it is so minor for you
I try to ignore it ….
But it comes and goes like waves…
I feel so lonely sometimes
God…It is so hard to be the person who gives care, love, support while when these are needed it is difficult to have them!!
I do have special persons in my life
But what makes it harder is that I can’t find the same love, care and support from these special persons!!
For them I am always there to help, care, love, support …
But when I am down …
I find no one there!!
I can’t blame them because they have many issues that make them incapable of performing their role in the friendship, yet they are special and I can’t stop loving or caring or supporting them….a Dilemma, isn’t it??!!
It just hurts when I need them and they are not there, or they just can’t be there!!
I need a friend who can lead me to you …
I need a friend who comes to me when I am down and whispers “let’s go have a talk with Jesus …!”
I need a friend who can lift me up when I am weak and show me the real meaning of what true Christian fellowship is!!
I had that friend before …You sent him before!!!
Now that friend is gone
I feel so tired and weak that I can’t support or love or care anymore
I am beginning to feel that I am doing this as duty not out of a loving heart!!
I know that You are the source of all love and support BUT really I need that human touch!!
You did give me that true friend before
I need one again!!
I know that this phase is a part of your plan …
I know that I lack emotional and spiritual maturity and you are trying to build these in me!!
I don’t like complaining and You know that!!
I am just talking with You because I don’t have anyone else to talk with
I am sure you are hearing me ….
No need to remind you that “He who promised is faithful!!” Hebrews 10
I love you …
I fully trust your plan...
I am waiting on you Lord …!!

Yours
A free spirit !!

I don't want to.....

I don't want to be like that...
I don't want to be like her oneday ..
I don't want you to be like her oneday ....

Insomnia...

Thoughts struggling inside ma head...
I can't sleep

Haunted by the past
Comes and goes like waves...
I go through the history
"Did she write that ??!!"...I wonder

It is difficult to remain silent
I have to bear that
What is her place in my life ??
I wish I can do something even small that can help her !!

I am fading
These eyes are losing their gift , losing their sight
I can't see anymore
I can't have my own vision
I am getting blind

What is next ?
After Your silence for sometime
What is the next part of Your plan ??

Can't wait to go there...
Where there is real love , peace , care...
I love them ...
Waiting to see miracles as usual !!

I could smell it again today with them ...
I could see it ...
I wonder if that day will come
I wonder will I have anything left to give!!



Many thoughts...same result
Insomnia