Aftermath …The Start

+ “It was once said that one needs three things; something to do , something to look forward to and someone to love” Anonymous

+ Dreams I: It is the act of combining various scenes from the day , names , places , persons and put them together in an illogical place , illogical story and illogical time where all these are generated in the darkest hours of the night….when you are at your weakest point.

+ Dreams II: when you lay awake waiting for your nightmare knowing it will come..
When you avoid sleeping to run away from your next death!!
Dreams where I have accidents, I am a target of assassins, I am a murderer and a fugitive,…

+ “Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

+Revenge : when find that there is a seed of hatred planted and getting its roots deep down and you stand in wonder how did it reach the soil of your heart …
When you think of nothing other than revenge …
Once I asked my self “ Why do I need to get even with him ??!!” ….it is strange because it didn’t happen before…last time it was not like that .
The only reason was .....

+ Major Depressive disorder : a mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem, and loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities.
Some accompanying symptoms: IBS, back pain …
I believe time has come to see a therapist….

+ Why on earth can’t I just let go of "her" ?
Why is it difficult?
Why am I so hanging so much to an illusion that will never come to land of reality ?!!

+I don't want to be like him
I don't want to grow old alone....with success....with money ....BUT Alone ......


+I saw her....It was that day when I saw her
What has changed ?!

the need.....

I feel a deep need for writing...
But
What to write ??
How to write ?!
Why to write ??!!!

What is missing ??
What is it that makes me want to write ??
Is it that missing Utopia that makes me always seeking what has no existence ??!!

What is the value of oneself ?
How do I feel that I have a value ??!!
What if I failed to feel that...how do I cope with that ??!!!

How to feel the presence of God in the darkest hours ??
How to keep "The Vision" ??
"What I like about you is that you have a vision in your life.." she said
Do I have a "Vision" ??!!!
Sometimes I wonder if it was a real vision or it was just a temporarily desire !!

I need to........

I couldn't answer

"What is wrong with you ?!" he asked..
"Do you need to love or what ??!!"
I couldn't answer...
Do I need to love or to be loved ?!!

I hate that...

I hate being attached to someone...
Getting close to someone and caring for him/her...
Knowing their secrets and the details of their daily life...
I hate when it comes over my nerves...
I hate when someone "grabs" me into his/her life then act normally ...
Increasing the intimacy level predicts danger in that relation...
I suffered it before , am suffering now and I know it will never end...!!
Differenet persons , different stories yet same case...being attached..

I need to get detached from them...

Back...

Seems like I have to come back to blogging
There have been many times when I had something to write
But
I stopped the thoughts from transforming to words
I held back the fingers from typing..
"What change will it make?!!"
"What is so interesting in soulless thoughts of a thoughtless soul ??!!!!"

Today I have so many confused meanings in my mind
"Value : what is the value of oneself "
"Work life balance: .............."
"Relations : well I definitely need to set rules defining such a word !!"
"Faith : how to put faith in practice ??!"
"Trust: Do I really trust Him , His plan ??!!!!"
"Knowledge: "For in much wisdom[is] much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow." Ecclesiastes


Definitely this is not the best phase in my life

A dream...

I had that dream yesterday...
She was there...
She was visiting me in ma house !!
Well it was almost a surprise...



I can't remember details...

I miss them

I do miss them...
Their memory is coming and going like waves ...
When I enter the church and look to the corner where they used to sit ...

I miss you Grandma and miss you M.Ervina

Faith VS Reality ....

I am at that point, where it is between faith and reality
“You said that you do trust …wait for a real test that is coming on the way to show how much you trust!!” he said
I am at a Test of Faith phase
How much o I believe the words I am speaking
How much do I live these words!!
Trust, faith, His Perfect Plan, Real Life,
Many expressions going in ma head!!

“Wait on the Lord, be of good courage and He will strengthen your heart….I say unto you wait on the Lord!!”

God’s Thoughts and Emotions !!

I was thinking today about How God is feeling for our pain
What are His emotions at these situations??!!
How does He feel and react at these moments ??!!
For a 2 year old girl that is beaten by her father for no reason ....
For a 5 year old boy child who is cruelly treated by his father ...
For a mother that is spoiling and over pampering her child ...
For a soul that is seeking care and attraction from everywhere around her , but she can’t feel it !!
For all the homeless , the poor , the abused ,the hurt .....

“I want to know God’s thoughts …..the rest are details !!” A. Einstein

pathetic...

I am so pathetic...
I know I should stop it
I know must get over it ...
I know it is over...
I can't....
I need help...
Every time this happens , I feel so pathetic !!

randomness through time .........

every inch of ma body is aching
it had been long time since I last had executed such a physical effort

I had a dream...she was there !!
I was in a hospital staying with a sick person and I knew that she would be there
She was also staying with that same person ...
We were dealing so normal
He was also there !!
Many other details that I intentionally made maself forget !!
I need not to remember any details about her !!

Ideas of going to a psychic therapist or something !!
Am I mad ??!!
If I can't get her out of my mind , out of my thoughts , out of my heart till now
Then why ??
Why now ?
Why this drugging style ??!!!

It was a good day that I spent with special friends
I was happy to see you there...
But...
I had a strange feeling
I was not happy
What was wrong ??!!
I dunno
Maybe I was tired...
Maybe I was thinking of .............

He is back !!!
My dear friend and brother is back !!
He is a real blessing in my life !!
Thank You Lord for such a blessing :)

haunted...

I am haunted by her...
I see her everywhere , she pops up in all ma thoughts

"Remember that scene from that movie (Hunchback of Notre Dame) when she was praying in the church and the sunlight was reflecting from the stained glass...." he said
The only scene I got imagine is her photo...in the same position !!

Going through some old documents n stuff ....I found something
A CD cover that designed for a DVD holding some of her favorite movies ...
It was intended to be a gift...a gift that found its place in ma stuff n never reached her !!!

I am asking myself a question that I can't answer these days !!
"What if she is back ??!!
Am I ready for this relation ??!!
Why am I fighting for someone that doesn't consider many among the priorities ??!!
What do I mean for her now??
What is her place in my heart ??!!
Is she the one that God had chosen for me ??!!"