Emotional Maturity...

Mature...a word that means a lot...
A word that I need to feel...
Emotional maturity...
To be emotionally mature, to be the one who control your own emotions, to be the one who holds control of youself...
I feel that I am lacking this kind of maturity...
I have a soul of an artist and the heart of a free spirit..

Danger...
This is what I feel these days...I feel that danger is nearby...
I feel that this is related to the emotional maturity...
" whoever plays with fire...one day must get burnt..!! "

Experience..

Experience is what we gain from time..
It is what we gain from what we go throught..
Not all what we go through is pleasant..
Many times the experience you gain is hard...
You have to accept that you will gain something and on the other hand you will suffer....bittersweet..
Pain is generally something that we must go through..
Sometimes pain is so painfull...
What is more painfull is the change that follows ..
You change...wether you like it or not
You have to play the game according to the rules of the game...
Even if you play with their rules...you reach a point where you fail..why ??!!
Simple...
"It's not how you play the game...
it's how the game plays you..!!"

Knowledge VS Responsibility....

Is it about more info that I know every day…
When I say more info, I mean more than what I am supposed to know
People that want to “take it all from the inside” ….
People that trust me …..I am their loyal friend
People that force me to get involved in their daily life secrets
People that make me know little details that may be shameful …
Turning to a father of confession rather than being a friend willing to help them and hear their problems!!!

“Take everything from the inside and throw it all away
Cuz I swear for the last time I won’t trust myself with you”…..Linkin Park

It is turning to a sort of a therapy…..I am for some people a shrink and for others a father of confession!!
In fact it is beginning to irritate me!!
Not what they do is what irritates me
BUT
The fact how people sees me
How they can’t imagine that too much info is harmful for me!!
It is the case when knowledge is a curse!!
Knowledge is responsibility
I am responsible for these people know
I must pray for them
I must think wisely, respond wisely and speak wisely while being with these people
I am responsible while in fact I am not!!
I can’t hold responsibility for ma self….
BUT….
It is my mission…
Thinking again why God had made me know that person or made that person open up to me particularly …I know that I have a mission
I am not there by coincidence ….what I heard was not a coincidence
I must react
I must pray
I must do my mission ….that is guide people to the light…to You

The mask VS Me...!!!

It seems even the mask ain't working..
It is between me and the mask now !!
Me VS the mask !!
What is required for now is that the mask dominates over me !!
So there's no Me anymore...jus a mask...!!
A fake image of the old soul !!

" it is not about your skills...it is about you !! "...he said

De Profundus Clemo Ad Te DOMINE..!!

thoughts...

Regretting?....no
I never regret an action that I took...it is an experience that teaches me ..
Desperate?.....sort of...
Sad?.....somehow....
Thinking ?...all the time !!
Reconsidering ?.....maybe....
Brokenhearted?......dunno...
Praying?...always....

The contrast....

Like the contratst between black and white...
Like the contrast between dark and light....

Like the contast between bad and good...
Like the contrast between an angel and a demon ...

That's how I feel ...
When I see her...I see the contrast
When I see You...I see the contrast

She is an angel....
You are God ....
I am....

Masks....

Masks...that is ma life now

A mask I wear in the morning before goin to work
I have to be always smiling , always cheerful, always helpful....
I am down ...I am depressed
But...
I wear that mask...hiding the tears of a broken heart underneath and showing the smiley face on that masked face

A mask I wear in the morning before goin to church
I have to be always humble , always obedient , always kind......
I am not a saint....I am not an angel...
But....
I wear that mask....hiding all ma sins and iniquities.....showing the outer shape of an angel.....

Who am I ?!!
I wonder if I stopped wearing these masks how will it go ..??!!
How will it be ....
without the masks !!

what if ..??!!

what if I didn talk to her ??

But..

what if I died without ever talkin to her ??!!



what if I waited some time and didn rush up ??



what if I didn go to kenya last summer ??!!!



what if it was the right person ?
what if it wasn't the right person ?
what if it was the right time ??
what if it wasn't the right time ??

what if there was a plan ??!!
what if there was no plan ??!!!!!

why.....??!!

continued....

I sometimes think that she was too perfect that I wasn't worthy of having such an angel !!!
Really she is an angel !!!
I keep thinkin what if I didn open it up with her ??!!!
could it have worked ??!!!
But
what if I died today without ever telling her ?!!
I had one wish to do before ma death...tell her " I love you !!"

That was not ma 1st time !!!
After ma 1st time I took a decision not to do it again
Generally I am not the kind of guy that get attracted to anyone ..But !!!
I thought many times before takin a step or even havin a thought coz I don wanna make a mistake ...I don wanna lose her or lose maself !!
I stopped ma self more than once ....
I interpreted it as an illusion ..
But
It was still there and she was still there ....
I waited ..waited ...waited...
Then I thought it was the timed...seems You didn have the same opinion !!

Now....
She is there I am here ....
Broken...maybe...
Depressed....dunno
Emotional......
Sad....
Reconsidering......
Well what I know is that I will not be the same !!
I lost a dream...a major dream...
I don have many dreams to afford losing one !!!
I lost ma heart....
Will survive...heartless...emotionless.....waiting to see Your hand working again and reviving me
Till then....
I will jus hope ...But I will not dare to dream !!!

why....??!!!

why....

A phone call was the answer ...
It was so sarctastic that it came in that specific time !!!
why...

Is it I that can't have it
Is it with me

You are ma father...You are ma friend...Youare ma God !!
You gave me the right to dream...imagine....love....
why do You come at some point to stop that ?!!
I know that this is Your will for the moment ....and " thy will be done !!'
But...
You gave me feelings and emotions including the feeling of sadness
that strange feelings that makes you so cold...so frozen ......
you can't feel anything ....
becomin a lifeless soul tryin to survive in a soulless life !!!
I am not complaining...
I knew that the answer will be Yours coz ""The preparations of the heart in man, and the answer of the tongue, is from the LORD"
I was tryin to accept the "No" as from You...
But...
It is hard ma Lord..!!!
I know it is hard..
I know You know it is hard...

....to be continued

Her Shadow....

A stranger she was....
A stranger she lived and a stranger she died
A stranger she was but known to all ....
A heart of a stranger she had
A simple heart
A heart that loved ...
A heart that gave everything.....

"Blessed [are] the pure in heart: for
they shall see God " Mat 5 :8

Her shadow is still here...her spirit is around.....shining love n purity

RIP ma friend
In her memory

march 1981 - april 2008