A Decision....

A decision to keep myself away...
A decision to maintain borders and boundaries...
A decision to put limits even with the closest and the special....
A decision not to overcare for someone that doesn't care for his ownself...
A decision not to interfere in personal issues even if I am asked to....
A decision not to play the role of the wiseman even with close ones....
People don't like to have wise friends seeking perfection...
They tend to live it simply !!
Ok let it be...
I will be one of them among them...
But inside...
I am ....

Confessions….

These are some of the confessions

I sent her that mail!!
I was searching in my mailbox to find the first mail she sent me , the antenna night mai!!
I was reading it as if for the first time
It has been going on ma mind for a couple of days with her opening it up again and with this old mail issue so I decided to send her a mail!!
Thoughts in ma head that I can’t think anymore!!!


It was that time when I lost all faith in You , I said it even loud “ I don’t believe in You “…
Maybe it was because of her, maybe because of my weakness …
Yet You were still loving and saying it clearly in that day ….You can’t do anything without my will, You need me to believe in You!!!


I strayed again and denied Your existence, jus like what he did that other day
Again, You approach me with Your extravagant love asking “Do you love me?!!”
I stand speechless…that specific day I was so down and was waiting for You to talk and You did talk so clear and loud!!


Ok it was a nice message but that wasn’t the best day!!
I saw her!!!
After all that time I saw her and I wish I didn’t!!
When we came to talk for 2 minutes I jus wanted some clarifications about things I can’t interpret in a right way, simply she cut it short to claim my points as delusions of my mind!!!
I was feeling blue as they say!!!
Why does she insist every day that passes to make me more tough and emotionless??!!


It went worse and worse with her giving me that painkiller again!!
“Can I see you today urgently? “
Still I can’t believe her reasons
Simply speaking he is in her life therefore I can’t be in her life!!
It jus aroused these questions inside of me!!


Couple of days after I go back to my delusions and leave you, yet you don’t leave me!!
You send the same message as before “Do you love me??!!!”
This time I stand speechless as before …


“For the Love of Christ compels us!!” …. 2 Corinthians 5


Couple of days ago you pissed me off literally!!!
I was putting myself in his shoes and trying to live these moments in his place!!
It wasn’t the best moments!!
Look at his looks and look at your attitude!!!
Why did it become like this??!!!!
You should give them more care!!!


Asking myself why me?
Why am I the source of love, care, support, help, wisdom, advice?
Why am I helping her?
Why am I helping him?
Am I lost in here?
Who is there to help me when I need one?
I am empty now, I have nothing to give
How can I go on?!!
I need a break here!!!!
I feel so alone here!!!
Why are You so far away ??!!


Your illness brought back to me shadows of the past
“Pain comes and goes like waves!!”….he said
I can’t bear seeing you like this
I wonder what is behind all this?!!
“I don’t want to live in this pain…”…you said


Give me a break here with all these messages!!!
Mk 2: 1-12
I know now that I am part of the problem …
I need Your spirit to strengthen me….


It was the answer to the question
Am I interested to please me or to please You?!?
It was a normal result to the state I am in now
I need to regain my vision
I need You
“Turn thou us unto thee, O LORD, and we shall be turned; renew our days as of
Old.” Lamentations 5:21

Questions....

Was it out of a guilty conscience or was it another sort of her painkillers she gives me or .....?



Why...why did I fight and have hope despite all what happened...why am I not letting go of her ??



How do I see her after all that time after all what happened , what is her lpace in ma heart ...a friend , a special person , .....???!!!



in memory of 913

Shadows of the past....

Shadows of the past haunting me...

Shadows of failure...
I see them and I see him ...I see me
I see the old days ...
I remember what I couldn't do ...

Shadows of worry...
I see you..I remember her....
I remember the old days...
I remember the nights when worry was dominating ...

Shadows of love n hurt ...
I read the mails ...
I see the posts....
I watch the photos...
Shadows of love n hurt haunt me back ...
I though I was through with this and I threw it behind ma back...
BUT...
It is back...
"Why did it break up like that ?!!"...she asked
I couldn't answer...
I don't have an answer...!!!
Shadows of love n hurt are back
Shadows of the past...