Old thoughts....

jus thought of this old post form ma old blog...it jus came up to ma mind !!!

can smell it.....

well...I can smell it ...
I can smell the scent of love whenever it is present in the place

It was a normal outing with a group of friends...
Suddenly I was smelling it so strongly....
More strange that there were no clear or obvious signs of its presence...
She was almost amazed when I told her "How could you ever notice it?!!!!!"

Dunno...
Maybe coz I became used to it so I could figure it out so easily...
Maybe coz I tried it once so I could easily smell it....
Maybe coz that's the only thing I'm searching for so strongly so I could spot it in any surrounding...

you were right really..
All my problems are ending up to love..
Can I really find it?!!!

Special...

I am special...
That 's what You want to let me know ...
Maybe it seems that I have sometrhings missing ...
Maybe I am not like the others...
I don't have what they have...
But...
What I have is worth more than what they have !!!

Looking back into everything else during the last period...
I realise that everything had been in a different way...
When things go strangely like that..it is You ...
You were trying to prepare me for something different...
You want me to be special !!

Live it simply, Live it fully , Live it Jesus !!!

Can't....

When you need air so desperately...but you can't breathe...
When I hold it and can't feel anything..
I can't...
It's ma first time to hold it and feel so senseless...I can't feel anymore...
The lifeless soul is back to its soulless life...

Me, Myself and I!!

"Am having so much fun here..."...she said
Fun ?!!
It has been really a while since I last experienced what is the meaning of that word..
I really need to have fun..
But with who ??!!!


ME MYSELF n I !!!!


It is always between me myself and I …
Ma hobbies, ma happiness even ma grief …..All these between me myself and I
When I write, I write what I can't say to nonexisting friend...
When I go in a photo shoot, it is jus me …
When I play my notes, it is just me …
When I want to celebrate my happiness or ma sadness, I do it in ma photos or in ma written thoughts!!!
When this day comes each year , it is usually between me n myself !!!
In ma darkest nights , it is me ...
In ma happiest hours , it is me ...

It seems You 're havin such a strange way of dealing with me ...
I never had such a person that I can know that whenever I need I can find , not even once !!
I never had such events that seem so normal for others ...!!
You do give me persons that support...
But
These people have their own life , am jus a small part of their life..
These persons are not there most of the time...
When I need someone usually that one isn't there for me ....
You give me what I need not what I want ....
Seems like even what I need I can't find !!!

I feel that I am destined to stay with Me Myself n I !!!

What's next ??!!!

I needed to take it out…
It has been sometimes now…
I feel so useless…
I do nothing…
What is ma mission Lord?
I need to know why you put me in this place in this time.
Why is everything becoming so unstable??!!
I lost the vision, or it is fading…
I need to refocus …
It isn’t about what I want to do …
It’s about You r planning for me and I can’t see !!!

What’s next?
Things changing….nothing stable…
Everything turning upside down!!!
Switching and changing everything
I know that when things go strange like that …
It is only You …!!!
“Who said God doesn’t have a sense of humor??!!” said he ….
So am just waiting ….
Waiting to see what’s next …!!!

Lost Dreams...

I lost ma dreams …literally…
I don’t dream anymore when I sleep
I don’t like that
This is not a good sign…
I can’t remember anything…
When I remember …all I can remember is me falling…
Or worse…I cant remember any details about the dream …
BUT….I can remember it as an overall very bad dream, which makes it worse!!!
I am losing myself …

What if all that around me are just illusions that ma mind made up?
She doesn’t exist, they doesn’t exist…
Am I making up happiness or does it really exist?
The thin line between reality and no reality

............

"And every one [that was] in distress, and every one that [was] in
debt, and every one [that was] discontented, gathered
themselves unto him" 1st Sam 22:2
You put me in her life , in his life , in their life ...
You put me in strange timing in people life....
People that need my help ...
People that needs someone to feel for them ...

"In all their affliction he was afflicted" Is 63:9
I feel for them...
You created me with such a compassionate heart that feel for others...
It is so strange...
I feel their pain as my pain , their burden as my burden...
I love them and care for them so much...
You gave me these special people in ma life ...
They were Your voice and Your touch many times...
They showed me new aspects about You ...

What if You were on earth today ??
What would You do if You were ma place ??
ooh I think it is the other way ....
What will I do when am in Your place?!!
Yes...You put in these people life to act on Your behalf..!!
It was not a coincidence that I knew her these days...it was never a coincidence !!
This is what You used to do ...
"But when he saw the multitudes, he was moved
with compassion on them, because they fainted, and were
scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd" Math 9 :36

You could feel for the people...
This is the gift You gave me...
You gave me to feel for people , to share their pain n their burden...
I wonder many times ....
When I feel so sad or distressed when someone is in pain...
Don't You feel more than what I do feel ??!!!
Or is it that I care for that person more than You do ??!!!!
I then realise that You are always there...

What else can I do other than share their burden ??!!
Sometimes I feel am chained...I can do nothing
I pray...
All I can do is pray...
This is Your secret
"And it came to pass in those days, that he went out into a mountain
to pray, and continued all night in prayer to God." Luke 6:12
"And he came out, and went, as he was wont, to
the mount of Olives" Luke 22:39
You used to go there !!!
You used to go throw all the people burdens before God !!!
You didn't need to but you were teaching me the secret of Your power in Your life on earth !!!

Please , help me to pray for them
To make their burden my main concern in my prayer ..
Help me to become an intercessor on their behlaf befoer You..!!
Give me the words to speak ..
Put in me a heart that throw all the pain and burden before Your feet !!!
Help me to Love them like You Love them !!!
Help me to show them Your love !!!

Happy...

I am happy...
The day was good...
and She is happy ...
I am happy coz she is happy and doing good :)

Business...

Business, Gross Margin, sales, market share…
Many expressions and abbreviations
Many figures and graphs!!
Filling my head that I can't find myself
I am not created for that!!!
I am not created to be a business man
I don't have the business mentality, though I have the business character!!
I don't want to use it , I don't want to mutate
I don't want to get infected
I don't want that to dominate my life …
I can see what that has done to her
I don't blame her …..
It takes many shapes and many names
Family, better future, security, for sake of the kids, prove ma self…
Different names that lead to one result
You mutate …
You change mentally and socially and everything
You don't have time for anything…ANYTHING
Even the family that was your main reason to do that, you don't have time for the family …!!!
Then, you begin to wake up!!
You see you r stuck in a dilemma
You don't know what to do
The only one who can help is you and Him!!!
All I can do is say a prayer….a prayer for a friend…

Prayer For A Friend

Prayer for a friend...

Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You
Complicated circumstances have clouded his view
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

I fear that I won't have the words that he needs to hear
I pray for Your wisdom, oh God, and a heart that's sincere
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You
My best friend in the world, I know he means much more to You
I want so much to help him, but this is something he has to do
And Lord, I lift my friend up to You

'cause there's a way that seems so right to him
But You know where that leads
He's becoming a puppet of the world, too blind to see the strings
Lord, I lift my friend up to You
My friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You

She is...

She is a friend...
She trusts me...
She is a free spirit ...!!!
BUT...
She is Infected ..
I can't leave her like that ...
I should do something...
I dunno what to do ....
All I can do is pray for her , lift her to You...

.....he said !!!

what is the aim of this phase of ma life ??

"it is difficult to serve God only
as it will be for the rest of your life
in whatever you do...do it for God
not for yourself
or your security
or your future
but for God alone
....
It's hard to do....
A lot of times it is our own cares and concerns that take the primary prioritiy spots in our hearts and minds while God wants to be there and take care of the rest for us but we lose trust..
We concern ourself with "What ifs" ,we forget that God has everything under control "
....he said

Disease...

Seems I am getting this disease
Seems am getting Infected again...
I thought I could resist
I am trying to resist
But...
Will I get infected ?!!

Detached...

" Whoever plays with fire , will get burnt one day "...he said
Am I playing with fire ?
Is it fire that I find out am havin every time ?!!
The last time it was fire ....
How to avoid fire ?
Are these thoughts a delusion or reality ??
I need to get detached..
How ?
Why does this happen each time ??!!!
Thoughts in ma head...so I can’t trust ma self anymore!!!