I am ME

Dear God ...

Please when you deal with me ...keep in mind that you created me like that with all the weaknesses and characteristics You know quiet well !!
You know my logic , my mind , my thinking, ....
If you need to change something don't do that the hard way !!

I am not Abraham...I don't have his faith
I am not Joseph...I don't have his patience and endurance
I am not Moses...I don't have his obedience ...


I am Me !!

1 Year

Dear God,

It has been one year since this incident happened...
I can't deny that you gave me peace when trouble first showed up...but unfortunately this state of "peace" didn't last long..
It has been a hard year for me and for those around me ...
Confusion...thoughts...fears...disbelief...
The past 12 months changed a lot in me...
I am afraid I have mutated to a new "me"...
The "aftermath" was not easy at all...
I keep asking and thinking how could it have been if things never went wrong...
Sometimes I have hopes in a better future...many times I just feel lost...
I don't want much..I don't ask for much..
I want a simple normal life...I am getting tired of being "special"...
I need to see my simple dream coming true...
I wish I can feel successful so that one day I can look back and have a smile on my face ...
I know that all this is part of your "plan"...
I just don't understand it ...
Even after 1 year...I failed to understand it

Insomnia: day 23

+ Dear God,
I had this dream where you were taking from me the one I love...
In the dream I remained silent and never spoke a word after that day...
I believe my state now is becoming similar...
I know the next words hurt me as much as they hurt you but please don't give me more reasons to stay away from you...don't give me more reasons to stop believing

+ The last analysis I had ended up with the conclusion that they were determined to do that long time ago...second time in my life I feel a real failure...

+ "Love , faith and hope are your cure"...these were her words..
I stopped loving..stopped believing...
I have no hope...no faith...no dream...

+ It has been a year since I started this black phase...
It has been a year since I have been put in these tests of faith which I failed all..
It has been a year since things were getting from good to neutral to bad to worse...
It has been a year since my faith starting becoming weak...

Where is your faith ?!!

"{8:22} Now it came to pass on a certain day, that he went
into a ship with his disciples: and he said unto them, Let us
go over unto the other side of the lake. And they launched
forth. {8:23} But as they sailed he fell asleep: and there
came down a storm of wind on the lake; and they were
filled [with water,] and were in jeopardy. {8:24} And they
came to him, and awoke him, saying, Master, master, we
perish. Then he arose, and rebuked the wind and the raging
of the water: and they ceased, and there was a calm. {8:25}
And he said unto them, Where is your faith? And they being
afraid wondered, saying one to another, What manner of
man is this! for he commandeth even the winds and water,
and they obey him."
Luke 8:22-25


"Let us go over unto the other side of the lake".
I was wondering why did Jesus ask them to go to the other side ?
Why do God permit for changes to happen ...stability to be taken away ...to leave our comfort zone...
Frankly speaking I am suffering from changes in my life these days ...I am not in a comfort zone and I can't adapt to new changes!!

"But as they sailed he fell asleep"
Why did the Master fall asleep ??!!
I wonder if the disciples were too busy in sailing and managing the boat that they forgot to talk with the Master and hear His teachings !!
Did they depend on their own strength and knowledge in sailing the boat that they forgot about His presence ?!
I do face the same issue...these days I am sailing to a new phase in my life and I just forgot about God's presence to the extent that I totally depended on my knowledge and strength !!

"there came down a storm of wind on the lake; and they were filled [with water,] and were in jeopardy"
Not only did they depend on their knowledge and strength at the normal time but also at the time of the storm...they were too busy trying to survive the storm and reach the shore with their wisdom as experienced sailors and fishermen...it really took them some time because they kept trying till the boat was filled with water !!!
I can't blame them as I do the same in my life...during the hard times I try to seek others help...others advice...use my own knowledge and strength ....do ANYTHING but seek to wake the Master...it takes me sometime to realize that my boat is filled and that I have only but one refugee !!

"And they came to him, and awoke him, saying, Master, master, we perish !!"
Ok here is the good part...finally they realized that they can't depend on their power...it is the Master who asked them to cross to the other side then it is the Master who should lead their path...
"We Perish" ...I believe that when the disciples woke Jesus it sounded more like " Hey Master....don't you feel that we are dying....Why have you been asleep while we were fighting the storm...why haven't You done something ?!!!"
The disciples did choose the right expression to express their fears and weakness...
Sometimes I don't even see that the Master is there for me...I just accuse Him of abandoning me in the midst of the storm...simply He is asleep and waiting for me to scream and wake Him up !!!

"Then he arose, and rebuked the wind and the raging of the water: and they ceased, and there was a calm."
This is simply the miraculous Jesus !!
Everything I see as IMPOSSIBLE is simply POSSIBLE !!
He just rebuked the wind...as if He was rebuking a person under His authority !!
Many times I do wish that this part happens in my life at the first verse !!
I wish that Jesus comes and rebukes all the problems and storms I have in my life and then everything is calm from the start ....
Sometimes I do ask God "Why haven't you come earlier and solved this ?!!"
I stand speechless and really can't find an answer to this question ...

"And he said unto them, Where is your faith?!"
This verse really touches me ...
Jesus was amazed how could the disciples forget the miracles He had made with them before ?!!
If the disciples forgot that and had little faith at the hard times...then how will I react ?!!
I am afraid that many times I hold faith in my life as a theoretical teaching but when it comes to the real test and the stormy dark times , all this faith is gone !!
Jesus is asking every one of us...."Do you believe in me...if yes then where is you faith practically ?!!"

Again..

I thought it was over..
I thought it will not happen again..
I thought I am through with this..

I was wrong..
It happened again...
She was there again !!
I thought she was dead..
Part of me wanted to believe she was dead and part of me wanted to see her alive again...

Is she alive ?!
Is she back again ?!

Dreams...

Dreams : A dream is a succession of images, thoughts, sounds, or emotions which pass through the mind during sleep.The content and purpose of dreams are not fully understood.
Dreams have been described physiologically as a response to neural processes during sleep, psychologically as reflections of the subconscious.

I had that dream ...you were there...
you were in the hospital having a minor operation...so was my sister...
I left my sister and stayed with you...
Neither me nor you believed what I was doing !!

Understanding the subconscious is not easy...specially when it comes to s subconscious as complex as mine !!!
I am trying to erase your memory ....I am trying to forget that you were and still there...
"I never told you it will be easy or enjoyable...it will hurt you yet you have to do it !!"....
I am trying to finish this silly phase...
And now comes a reflection from my subconscious that makes it more difficult !!
What is behind such a reflection ??!!
Why now ?!

Random thoughts II...

+ Why is it easier for us to help,support and love friends and colleagues more than helping a brother or a sister...a fact that I can't interpret !!
Why is it easier for us to get close and intimate with strangers while we find it difficult to get close and intimate with people we live with and deal with everyday...our families !!



+ A male character can never be changed by another male...only a female can do so....a fact in life I am discovering



+ Usually I accept your guidance and advices but when it comes to him the case is different.
I don't believe you fully understand the situation....unless I do mutate to another version of "Him" then am not satisfying his expectations....anything I do will be not complete....He can't admit to you that he is wrong or that I did meet the expectations.....He cant' put limits to being extra meticulous....except with you....
!!!
I am not pessimistic but I am trying to be logical....He will not be changed...at least not by me !!


+ The fact that I have to always watch my back and always be alert is not making it any easier...

+ I believe this is the phase when I have to love silently....give silently....support silently...forget all forms of judgment,guidance or advice...

A Dream...

It was a dream...
Not like any dream...
I was leaning on her shoulder and crying...
Crying as if I had never cried before...
Crying as if those tears were words I spoke to her...
All she did was looking to me with her usual warm smile and saying her sarcastic comments !!
I smile yet tears were still in ma eyes...
I miss her...

Random thoughts...

+ Faking : like Jacob who faked his identity to steal the blessing ...I am stealing attention ,friendship, honor...all that by faking a false identity..



+ Faking: I keep thinking of the article that said that spirituality is a genetic thing...according to community and social circle you live in....do I love God coz I have to love him to survive in such communities ( choir..church..service)...would I have loved Him if not raised in that house , family , community ??!!


+ What if I was not that spiritual...would others be attracted...would she have trusted me as a best friend...would they have accepted me....I remembered his comment in the pub in DXB." He has that look of Jesus!!"....i guess at the end it is all about spirituality...either fake or real true one...no one is a pure case...u have a percentage of both...remains the questions ;which percentage is higher ??!!!



+ Her answer " dunno" awakened old memories that I tried to bury deep inside of me ....delivered the same message I had from an old friend before on the day that we had to cut the friendship " please don contact me or call me...it is unhealthy for me "...same message different persons



+ The old inner me is rising...I look to what others do and wanna be in their place...deep inside I wanna go...I don wanna be the quite simple wise me...I wanna go wild.... !!!

Faking !!

I came through this shocking yet true article about faking !!
This is the main article and this is the comment of the "Experimental Theology Blog" that I follow
From faking love to faking motherhood....goes down to faking faith and faking Christianity.....
Some fake for social reasons ....others fake for business reasons.....different reasons yet same fake mask that we put on....

I can't but admit that I FAKE !!
I can fake the love I give to others...
I fake many things...putting that mask and turning to the "Fake Me"

It shows from the number of comments on the mail article on "Freakonomics Blog" that this is a real alerting issue (180 comments in 2 days!!)
I liked that comment
"But I also wonder if the pressure isn't on all of us to fake it from time to time. If not for play dates, then for other things: finding a spouse, having a social life, maintaining a political office, satisfying parents, satisfying the requirements of a religion-affiliated school, getting business referrals, etc."


what about you....
Do you fake your faith ...do you fake your spirituality??!!

I miss....

I miss a friend..
I miss a place...
I miss a community...
I miss a country...
I miss a road...
I miss a room...
I miss a family...
I miss the old me..
I miss her...
I miss you...
I miss me

Old thoughts....Aftermath : Complete Story

Some old thoughts....
Seems like the shadows of aftermath are back...



Aftermath... "She said" :

+ I f you don't feel like doing these things now then don't ...let your self be free to do what is needed , not what is imposed on...

+ You tend to exaggerate things and take the dark side of things...being extremist won't help you much

+ You may think that talking won't be useful but it may be positive and relieveing you from a burden...

+ Just do what you feel and what you want...you want to take a book a go outside in a quiet place to read, do so ....you want to stay alone with no friend and focus more on the piano, do so ....you want to see a friend and go spend sometime then at last minute you felt like staying alone , stay alone............

+ You still can fulfill the messages that God gave you ...

+Looking at the dark side and exaggerating makes you put your state in big expressions and words of big meaning which is not the best case....

Aftermath....Sacrifices:

+ All the sacrifices you have made for me can never be forgotten.........sacrificing even the time you spend with your family or the time when you rest....maybe I have never told you that I appreciate all these sacrifices and can't thank you enough for it...

+ Seems I was the sacrifice to make all parties happy....It sounds strange how could she just give up on me so easily and accept the state of me as a sacrifice...I wonder ?!!

+ I had to sacrifice many times...willingly or unwillingly I had to sacrifice...I had to avoid any trouble...maybe I wished to be there....but I had to sacrifice !!

+"Revenge is best served Cold ..!!!"




Aftermath....Christmas !!:

+ Christmas in Egypt for the last couple of years holds bad memories...It reminds me of her...it reminds me of my failure...it reminds me of fake....

+Like every Christmas...I saw her in the carols when I least expected to see her....She was there just in front of me...every now and then looking back at me with that look that penetrates deep in my heart awakening every deep sleepy wound...

+I couldn't be there with you ...part of me wanted to stay despite all the contradictions....part of me wanted to be there just to enjoy your presence .....But ,I can't afford to bring you any trouble...A shadow I am and a shadow I will remain...

+"Dear God; why do you have to bring Christmas always in the time when I am so down...when I can't find what is cheering people ....I find all people around me faking smiles and singing carols of the tongue not of the heart...I can't attain that ....can you bring your special smile to my face...can you help me ?!!


Aftermath...She III:

+ It is so hard for me to keep on stealing these moments while others can have it so easily.....I wish the day would come when I can enjoy a moment of not stealing....a moment of reality.....

+ It is difficult to think that soon it will be me with him...He is great , he is skilled ...yet it is him at the end !!

I will be like a sample under observation....my actions...my speech....my calls....

I believe he will try to find out what is the thing in me that is the reason for all that attraction

+Me , him , her......a difficult combination that I can't think of ....There is something (or somethings) that makes me uncomfortable with him...specially when it comes to her...

+I believe that also he will be under my observation as they say "24/7"....I will not leave him until I find out that thing that keeps me uncomfortable with him....

+Is it the same case for me and him....are they the same circumstances....what is similar....what is different ??!!

+Different issues , same fact ...."I may like or not like your community ...I may or may not feel comfortable with your friends...yet I love you and I have yo respect your community and friends"




Aftermath...God :

+ I am sorry God...I failed to pass the test of thanksgiving , test of love , test of forgiveness , test of faith& trust , test

+I am sorry I failed to graduate...I failed to abide in you and fulfill your repeated message...

+I am sorry I lost my faith in you and in the power of prayers..

+I am sorry I lost love to everyone...I can't forgive anymore..

+Help me regain all what I lost...Help me regain my peace


Aftermath...She II :

+ It is at somepoint that there will be a conflict ....different growing environments , different habits and culture will generate a thin line that I must be very careful when dealing with.......what I see as strange or fake ...she enjoys

+ It had been that moment when I felt I am a thief...I am stealing moments from her life......."watch out as .... may be attending here"....then for heaven's sake why am I here ??!!!

+I may like or not like your community ...I may like or not like your friends...yet I love you and respect your community and friends.



Aftermath…She:

+ Everywhere I go, everything I do reminds me of you….streets, cafes, restaurants,….I know it may sound insane but it is the truth

+ Memories: I do have these shots of memories that comes and goes in waves of 2 incidents that I can never forget; the day I saw you crying when I was informed that I am no more in NSN and the day when I was jus pissed off from everything and got all what is inside in form of words……..

+ Hibernation: Being so helpless and useless, I decided to take a side of silence
I have been there to help , care , love , ….Now I can’t even bear my self , I can’t help my self , I can’t cheer my self…..I am weak
I lost the vision and the heart.. A seed of hatred has taken place and am struggling with it now.
I thank God you are the only land till now that this seed didn’t touch.
I think that if I can’t help now …at least I ought not to double your burdens.
I know you will come to me saying “what are friends for and ….”
But…I love you to the extent that I don’t want you to carry my burden....I don’t want you to care for my sorrows

+ “Please don’t say your faith…you helped me gain my faith back”….

Thoughts .....Adaptation vs Mutation...

It is that thin line that is between mutation and adaptation...
Adaptation is a phase that happens every now and then when there is a change in environment , culture , ....
Mutation is the phase when the new surroundings have a major effect on changing the core of you...
Sometimes it is difficult to differentiate between mutation and adaptation...
Sometimes adaptation turns to mutation without you even noticing ...
Sometimes the adaptation level is not as required( or as expected) by those around you ...
Sometimes the tolerance level doesn't allow adaptation to be fully achieved...
Many factors that takes place in the adaptation phase that doesn't make it so easy to judge on the success of such a process...

Between keeping the core and mutation...remains the true essence of adaptation !!

Scent of the past....

the scent of her perfume sticking to ma skin ...
I keep recalling that very short conversation while Josh voice reaching to ma inner me "Per te Per te "
"Happy late birthday..." she said
I pretend with that simple smile that am OK ..."Hope you are doing well ....thanks ..."
Looking deep in her eyes ..I scream so silently "Don't try to fix me am not broken !!"
I keep asking myself "God , why do You make me bump into her that accidenlty more frequently ??!!"
I wondered what if she had never seen me today...I guess she would have never called to share the greeting ...simple !!
Josh still singing....."Darò tutto l'amore che ho per te"
Thoughts blasting ma brain...
Josh next song plays bringing a simple answer that ends everything ....
"She's out of my life"