I miss you...

I miss you
I am always praying for you
Till we meet again
......................

Stealing...

As if I am stealing these moments with them...
Same case different persons...
A feeling of guilt that haunts me everytime...
I had that dream about her yesterday...
This doesn't feel good..
I want this to stop...I want to have ma own life..
I need to have that one with whom I ain't stealing moments..

I need a friend ...

Dear God,

Maybe it has been a while since we last talked about this issue
I know that when I will ask you “Can you give me a friend, I need a friend …”
You will look from up above with that smile asking “Don‘t you already have enough friends??!!”
Maybe it is not like that
I know that you blessed me beyond what I needed ….
You made me a multitalented free spirit …
But…this issue is annoying me!!!
Maybe it is so minor for you
I try to ignore it ….
But it comes and goes like waves…
I feel so lonely sometimes
God…It is so hard to be the person who gives care, love, support while when these are needed it is difficult to have them!!
I do have special persons in my life
But what makes it harder is that I can’t find the same love, care and support from these special persons!!
For them I am always there to help, care, love, support …
But when I am down …
I find no one there!!
I can’t blame them because they have many issues that make them incapable of performing their role in the friendship, yet they are special and I can’t stop loving or caring or supporting them….a Dilemma, isn’t it??!!
It just hurts when I need them and they are not there, or they just can’t be there!!
I need a friend who can lead me to you …
I need a friend who comes to me when I am down and whispers “let’s go have a talk with Jesus …!”
I need a friend who can lift me up when I am weak and show me the real meaning of what true Christian fellowship is!!
I had that friend before …You sent him before!!!
Now that friend is gone
I feel so tired and weak that I can’t support or love or care anymore
I am beginning to feel that I am doing this as duty not out of a loving heart!!
I know that You are the source of all love and support BUT really I need that human touch!!
You did give me that true friend before
I need one again!!
I know that this phase is a part of your plan …
I know that I lack emotional and spiritual maturity and you are trying to build these in me!!
I don’t like complaining and You know that!!
I am just talking with You because I don’t have anyone else to talk with
I am sure you are hearing me ….
No need to remind you that “He who promised is faithful!!” Hebrews 10
I love you …
I fully trust your plan...
I am waiting on you Lord …!!

Yours
A free spirit !!

I don't want to.....

I don't want to be like that...
I don't want to be like her oneday ..
I don't want you to be like her oneday ....

Insomnia...

Thoughts struggling inside ma head...
I can't sleep

Haunted by the past
Comes and goes like waves...
I go through the history
"Did she write that ??!!"...I wonder

It is difficult to remain silent
I have to bear that
What is her place in my life ??
I wish I can do something even small that can help her !!

I am fading
These eyes are losing their gift , losing their sight
I can't see anymore
I can't have my own vision
I am getting blind

What is next ?
After Your silence for sometime
What is the next part of Your plan ??

Can't wait to go there...
Where there is real love , peace , care...
I love them ...
Waiting to see miracles as usual !!

I could smell it again today with them ...
I could see it ...
I wonder if that day will come
I wonder will I have anything left to give!!



Many thoughts...same result
Insomnia

you did hurt me ....

I know that you were nervous...
I know that you needed to get that out...
I know that you needed to justify what is going on...
I know that I must not write that , I am the friend who is supposed to take all this without a complain...

But you hurt me ...
You asked me to keep silent...
You asked me not to speak...
You asked me not to be True with you....this did hurt me !!

"Maktub....."

Suffocated...
Choking...
In the middle of nowhere...

lifeless soul in the reality of a soulless life...
Weight of the world...

Me VS me...!!!
To be the true mirror even though this may hurt sometimes
Or !!!
To be the normal voice of sympathy..
A thin line between the Me & me !!
So hard to have a clear vision of the borderline !!
What is really the vision ??!!
Why me ??
Why now ??
seems like the dream maker left me all alone again !!!
Is this a test ??
Will I ever pass one of His tests ??!!!

haunted ....
Vacum ....and me in the middle of the nothingness...

"Maktub...." he said

........

They there in every dream…X & Y
X is always there , this time she had the kids …..it is not right and I know that!!
Y was also there …strange!!
Y was jealous!! (What the…!)
Thanks God I forgot the details…I was remembering everything but now by the time I am writing I forgot it!!!



Evanescent…

Whenever I am in such a gathering I can’t stop thinking about you
one day you were like that…you had this gift
But now !!
You don’t have it …
You don’t have that source of peace and love …
I wish you were here with me
I hope one day that you will regain that back


In the desert …
That part of “the dream maker” when he is in the desert
That is me now!!
Trying to cling to any hope
Till I come to understand or see what is next
What is after that …
All I have is only hope…

I miss him…
I need him…


Suffocating…
"Feels like the weight of the world…
Like God in heaven gave ma a Turn !!!!"
In the middle of all that I stand ...
I stand helpless ...I can't help them !!

The Message...

"Sometimes God doesn't want you to have that type of support and care
Support and care from your the ones you love and care for...
He is reforming you...
He wants to say " I don't want you to be like others"
It is not a coincidance that they were away from you or busy when you needed them while you were always there to support...
Maybe your message is to be their help and support but not necessary their role in your life !!
God wanted you to have your only shelter in Him...
He wants you to draw nearer to His heart...
He wants you not to be dependant on others but on Him !!"...he said

" Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
And see if [there be any] wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
Psalm 139

" He has a plan for you and He has to reform you to be suitable for that plan ...
Be sure that HE is preparing the best for you " ....he said

"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully [and] wonderfully made:
marvellous [are] thy works; and [that] my soul knoweth right well."
Psalm 139

Maybe I thought I was alone
Maybe lonesome thoughts haunted me...
Maybe they were not there for me ...
Maybe you were not there for me ...
But I couldn't understand it then !!!
Now I figured it out !!





This is for you....
you were the only one whom her absence affected me so much..
sometimes I was so pathetic...begging for care and support...
deep inside of me I felt that I am so weak ...
It did hurt me that I was always there for you but you are not there for me !!
But now...
I figured it out !!!

A mood

Walking in the streets ….
Looking into the faces, seeing the actions…
“No you are wrong…!” she said

Sufism…thoughts of a loving heart towards its creator
“Sali Salaa…….(pray a prayer in Arabic) “ …..Dhafer Youssef


With her I feel like I am safe…
I don’t feel complicated; I don’t have to be a hero…
I am ….

Emotional Confusion
Many emotions together
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry…

Feelings of lonesome haunting me …
They are not real …
Even you are not real …one day you will vanish just like the others did!!!


Why am I bothering myself now ??
Leaving
I know I love this city with its dirt and its dust ….
Confusion
“You love it and you know that…” she said

This is not right ….none of these relations is right!!
Why isn’t anything going normal in my life??!!!

Getting older…
I am getting older with no goal or objective
With no love….

His words....

These were his words …
Words of wisdom …

“ I treat all the people the same no discrimination according to living standard or education level …the office boy is the same as an engineer in respect ….we are all human.
I used to work while studying in Germany as a waiter in MacDonald’s , as a worker in Volkswagen factory …this taught me how to deal with different standards and different people “


“When you try to take something out of someone and convince him with something, don’t get to use many reasons to convince him….this makes you lose your credibility by being hesitant and not totally convinced with what you are saying!!
Use a single reason or a single cause that is strong and that is really convincing
Some people are affected by personal issues; others are affected by business logical causes…know what is the gate that will make you enter to that person’s gate and take his approval!!”



“Try to separate emotions and personal issues away from business…you need to do so “

..and that was it !!!

The call I was waiting for !!!
A call not like any call
A call from a friend...
She was a friend , a special friend ...

Keyword : Was !!
Yes....I figured out that after that call she was ...
In the past she was ...
She will still be I know
BUT
A friend , like any normal friend she will be ....
She is stuck in a dilemma ...
She can't balance ...
She can't live it normally , Simply
She can't live it fully.....
She can't live it Jesus !!

It was clear from today that this was almost the begining of the end...
The end of a friendship I wished it would last !!
A freindship I thought was real and true ....

just like all the past ....
noything will change ...
...and that was it !!!

Randoms and Randoms and Randoms ......

Am I so pathetic like that ??!!!
Why the hell am I begging for love n care ??!!
Why am I alwyas lookin at the screen of the cellular waiting for a call !!!
What the hell is wrong with me ??
The fact is that this relations is not balanced !!
I always give , give n give !!
I put people as my number 1 priority !!!
Strange....

Random....

I waited for you as you said ....
You didn't showup ...
It has been a week now since I last heard from you ...
I can't get it ...
I am tired of that !!!

Notes they are ...
Em C D Em D Em C D ....

Lonely Randoms...

I miss you
I can't get you out of my mind
Despite all what happened , you still haunt me !!
I need you ...

I miss you
I miss your smile and our arguments ..!!
You are a real sister and a real blessing
You are someone I can trust my self to....

I miss you
I can't imagine I will be back and you are not there...
You are more than a brother , more than a friend ...
You were His image for me !!

!!!

Why do all of them have this same issue in them ??!!
Whatever the age , whatever the religion whatever the community !!
They do all this same issue that does piss me off !!

Why do I meet them all the time ??!!

Thoughts.....seulement !!

It has been 1 week now
I love the place but !!
Lonliness...
I don't like being alone ....
"no matter how beautiful the place ot the activity , it is all about the company ...the people that share that special moment with you !!" ...she said


They are everywhere around you !!
you can't escape it
bringing back shadows of the past...
memories of you !!
wish you were here with me
But...
seems that even the boundaries you set were a fake !!


Today I was feeling like I was trapped within maself
I want that free spirit to go outside but I can't
maybe that spirit doesn't want to
I just can't


I need you so desperately
I miss you ...
I know this is not right but I can't stop maself
To have a friend like you is so strange for me
Though this ain't a balanced friendship
Sometimes I enjoy giving
Sometimes I miss takin back
I know it;s out of your hand
All times I miss you and love ya ma older sister !!

A Decision....

A decision to keep myself away...
A decision to maintain borders and boundaries...
A decision to put limits even with the closest and the special....
A decision not to overcare for someone that doesn't care for his ownself...
A decision not to interfere in personal issues even if I am asked to....
A decision not to play the role of the wiseman even with close ones....
People don't like to have wise friends seeking perfection...
They tend to live it simply !!
Ok let it be...
I will be one of them among them...
But inside...
I am ....

Confessions….

These are some of the confessions

I sent her that mail!!
I was searching in my mailbox to find the first mail she sent me , the antenna night mai!!
I was reading it as if for the first time
It has been going on ma mind for a couple of days with her opening it up again and with this old mail issue so I decided to send her a mail!!
Thoughts in ma head that I can’t think anymore!!!


It was that time when I lost all faith in You , I said it even loud “ I don’t believe in You “…
Maybe it was because of her, maybe because of my weakness …
Yet You were still loving and saying it clearly in that day ….You can’t do anything without my will, You need me to believe in You!!!


I strayed again and denied Your existence, jus like what he did that other day
Again, You approach me with Your extravagant love asking “Do you love me?!!”
I stand speechless…that specific day I was so down and was waiting for You to talk and You did talk so clear and loud!!


Ok it was a nice message but that wasn’t the best day!!
I saw her!!!
After all that time I saw her and I wish I didn’t!!
When we came to talk for 2 minutes I jus wanted some clarifications about things I can’t interpret in a right way, simply she cut it short to claim my points as delusions of my mind!!!
I was feeling blue as they say!!!
Why does she insist every day that passes to make me more tough and emotionless??!!


It went worse and worse with her giving me that painkiller again!!
“Can I see you today urgently? “
Still I can’t believe her reasons
Simply speaking he is in her life therefore I can’t be in her life!!
It jus aroused these questions inside of me!!


Couple of days after I go back to my delusions and leave you, yet you don’t leave me!!
You send the same message as before “Do you love me??!!!”
This time I stand speechless as before …


“For the Love of Christ compels us!!” …. 2 Corinthians 5


Couple of days ago you pissed me off literally!!!
I was putting myself in his shoes and trying to live these moments in his place!!
It wasn’t the best moments!!
Look at his looks and look at your attitude!!!
Why did it become like this??!!!!
You should give them more care!!!


Asking myself why me?
Why am I the source of love, care, support, help, wisdom, advice?
Why am I helping her?
Why am I helping him?
Am I lost in here?
Who is there to help me when I need one?
I am empty now, I have nothing to give
How can I go on?!!
I need a break here!!!!
I feel so alone here!!!
Why are You so far away ??!!


Your illness brought back to me shadows of the past
“Pain comes and goes like waves!!”….he said
I can’t bear seeing you like this
I wonder what is behind all this?!!
“I don’t want to live in this pain…”…you said


Give me a break here with all these messages!!!
Mk 2: 1-12
I know now that I am part of the problem …
I need Your spirit to strengthen me….


It was the answer to the question
Am I interested to please me or to please You?!?
It was a normal result to the state I am in now
I need to regain my vision
I need You
“Turn thou us unto thee, O LORD, and we shall be turned; renew our days as of
Old.” Lamentations 5:21

Questions....

Was it out of a guilty conscience or was it another sort of her painkillers she gives me or .....?



Why...why did I fight and have hope despite all what happened...why am I not letting go of her ??



How do I see her after all that time after all what happened , what is her lpace in ma heart ...a friend , a special person , .....???!!!



in memory of 913

Shadows of the past....

Shadows of the past haunting me...

Shadows of failure...
I see them and I see him ...I see me
I see the old days ...
I remember what I couldn't do ...

Shadows of worry...
I see you..I remember her....
I remember the old days...
I remember the nights when worry was dominating ...

Shadows of love n hurt ...
I read the mails ...
I see the posts....
I watch the photos...
Shadows of love n hurt haunt me back ...
I though I was through with this and I threw it behind ma back...
BUT...
It is back...
"Why did it break up like that ?!!"...she asked
I couldn't answer...
I don't have an answer...!!!
Shadows of love n hurt are back
Shadows of the past...

Infected...

This time it is literall !!
I got infected

The feeling of being Contagiuos is so strange !!!
You don't want to be alone
BUT
You don't want other people to get infected !!
You don't want to spread the virus !!

Feelings of guilt dominating ...
Although I don't know if I had infected anyone or not ...
I have that strong feeling of guilt !!!

Feelings of fear ....
I am afraid ...
Don't know what I am afraid of ..!!!

a question

It came up to ma mind today ....
Why ??
Why do I keep giving unconditional love ?
Why do I keep helping and giving all the time ?
Sometimes I wait for someone to help ....but in vain
Sometimes I feel I need to be loved the way I love ...but in vain

I had that question before with her...
This time it is a different issue , yet the same question !!

Why can't I find what I am seeking ??!!!

DE PROFUNDUS CLEMO AD TE DOMINE

lone thoughts....

Detached...



It 's so strange
I always expect people to treat me as I do with them
Even in simple things
BUT
People remain the same , noone change
Even the closest person to you ...
Never expect someone to understand you or treat you fairly !!!


Her life
I jus found myself there
I see things everyday and wonder
Will I be like that oneday !!!
OMG !!
I don't wanna be like that
I don't wanna mutate like her
I don't wanna get infected like her
She is infected !!!
On the other side I see him
Him vs Her
I can see the difference clearly


I expected her to be different but she ain't
She is also infected
She is like them ...
Yet
She is my special friend

I have hope n faith
I need You to strengthen me
I need to find her

How....

How can I help her ?!!
What can I do to help her out of that misery ??
What is my role ?
Why God did you put me in that place ?
Why do you make me feel so much for her ??!!!
Kindness , advice , sympathy ...
All these I feel so helpless
I feel so helpless...
I feel am bound in cuffs !!!
I want to do somethin...
I want to hold her tears...
I pray..
Prayers do miracles...
God...I need a miracle
" If you want to have a miracle , be one !!"
God , please help me to be the miracle in her life..
I need to know how to be a miracle...
I need to know how to pray...

De Profundus Clemo Ad Te DOMINE

thoughts of days ....

Detached...
A word that keeps ringing in ma mind


I lost that fire...
The thing that keeps burning inside to keep you always firey...
I faded down


"Come unto me, all [ye] that labour and are heavy
laden, and I will give you rest." Mathew 11:28
Thx for the support


Every move , every gesture , everylook
Even there
Reminds me of you !!!

I had a vow that I will never do that
Whatever happens , this is not mine , it is his
He deserves better , it ain't ma right
I have to get detached
Oneday or another this will happen


The prophecy ....


I love this family that You gave me Jesus
Really bless them and bless me in ,them with them n by them !!!

Random.....

"You are too good to be true....
I trust you with my life " ...she said


I need a hug from someone who loves me so much...
Someone that I trust so much...
Someone who cares for me so much...
Someone where I know that there's always a shoulder for ma head to lean on , there's always a place in his heart for ma thoughts , for ma tears , for ma emotions...
A place for me

"When you get fed up you act so passively , stand in silence" she said

She is there but not here
A dilemma
Detached and attached at the same time
It can't go on
We can't go on
How long will this phase last ??

Thoughts ...The Message !!!

"Get out of your country, From your family And from your father's house......And you shall be a blessing " Genesis 12 : 1-4


Why am I doing that ?
Coz I love her n wanna help her n carry some of her buredn ?
Coz she is my friend ?
What if it was not for her ??!!
What if it was for him , would I do it ??!!
Thinking on ma way there , I found no answer !!!

So strange to find that the one who is today stressed , ignored , depressed to be tomorrow " A man according to God's heart " !!!


Nothing will go as I plan for ...I should know that


I am ver unique n special !!
His preparations n plans are so strange ....
Nothing goes normal ...
But
It's all about me who accepts the potter hand to shape me in every strange way needed...

It's His Grace...
"for thou hast found favour with God"
Only coz of His mercy n love ...
The Grace that will give me strength during ma weakness ...
The Grace that gives me faith and hope during hard times , fixing my eyes on Him and His presence ...!!!
The cost of this Grace will not be earthly wealth n pleasure n.....!!!
The cost will be hardships , weakness , battles ,......
"My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness "

She never complained for the strange situations and circumstances that You had put in her life ...!!!
When she accepted Your grace , her life didn't get any more easeier or more pleasant with lots of wealth !!!
On the Contrary !!!
She had to bear it all..She had to Sacrifice her only Son ...!!!
She had to sacrifice You...Jesus !!!

You are always on ma mind...
Dunno why I feel that I am not doing ma mission right ...
I am misusing it for ma own benefit ...
I always think...what more can I do Lord ??!!
PLease give me wisdom to know what to do
Give me wisdom ..Your wisdom
Give me love ...Your love...
Give me a heart...A heart like Jesus

I wish you could have come...
You said you will come ...
I wish that you could have had His message ...
He is there for you ma dear...
HE was , HE is n HE will always be ...
BUT...
I know...
I know that He will get to you His way not mine...!!!
I always think that you should go there or do that or....
His ways ain't ma ways , His thoughts ain't ma thoughts
I have full faith n hope..!!!
He will touch you ...
It is getting closer n closer each day ..!!!
You are very special n very unique...
Only He can know how to touch you

Dreams....

I jus found him there...
It has been a while since we last met
I know that he cares for me
But...
I dunno
I ran after him
He saw me n stopped
I threw ma self in his shoulders
He hugged me n I cried ...

Lying in that bed after the accident
Speechless...
I am speechless..
I can't speak anymore...
She is there crying and holding ma hand ..
She is there in a shock and can't speak a word ..
He is there playing his notes ..
She is there reading her thoughts ..
He is there holding ma hands , saying " He is here with you " but not in words...in emotions...
There comes the night
All alone I wake up
Play ma notes , play n play n play
Play n cry .....
The morning sun is back...
I take it with me n go wandering the streets
Shooting faces , situations , anything
I talk all ma words in the shots ...

Random thoughts...

sensual
simple
beautiful
emotional
an artist
insane
crazy4jesus
open minded
a true real friend
amazing
trusts me
raises me up
always there
supporting
In ma dreams she is....


What will happen when these days come ?
Will I do like him or will she act like her ?
Will it fade down ?
Am I gonna fade also ??!!!
Am I gonna fight for it , fight for her ??
A year , two , five....
What will be the priority , commitement or friendship ??!!!
Anyway , like a dream it is ...so far away


Puttin ma self in his shoes n thinkin...
Seems so difficult
How , why ......


Nothing goes normal in the life of a believer
Don't expect to have anything normal !!!


Will it end oneday ??
Jus like all the others ...
Nothing survived , nothing lasted
BUT....
It is different ...
Will she reconsider oneday( when she comes back to her mind !!) ??!!
I don't think I will do so ...
I know that oneday something will happen
God only knows what...!!!

It struck me when she said it ...
"I feel he is a different person , as if I am dealing with two different persons ..."

Warmness..

Warmness...
A feeling I have when I see her with her kids ...
When I see how she misses them ...
How she talks about them , how she talks with them..
When I see her amazing motherhood...

dedicated to You ...
Thanks for being there for me

Old thoughts....

jus thought of this old post form ma old blog...it jus came up to ma mind !!!

can smell it.....

well...I can smell it ...
I can smell the scent of love whenever it is present in the place

It was a normal outing with a group of friends...
Suddenly I was smelling it so strongly....
More strange that there were no clear or obvious signs of its presence...
She was almost amazed when I told her "How could you ever notice it?!!!!!"

Dunno...
Maybe coz I became used to it so I could figure it out so easily...
Maybe coz I tried it once so I could easily smell it....
Maybe coz that's the only thing I'm searching for so strongly so I could spot it in any surrounding...

you were right really..
All my problems are ending up to love..
Can I really find it?!!!

Special...

I am special...
That 's what You want to let me know ...
Maybe it seems that I have sometrhings missing ...
Maybe I am not like the others...
I don't have what they have...
But...
What I have is worth more than what they have !!!

Looking back into everything else during the last period...
I realise that everything had been in a different way...
When things go strangely like that..it is You ...
You were trying to prepare me for something different...
You want me to be special !!

Live it simply, Live it fully , Live it Jesus !!!

Can't....

When you need air so desperately...but you can't breathe...
When I hold it and can't feel anything..
I can't...
It's ma first time to hold it and feel so senseless...I can't feel anymore...
The lifeless soul is back to its soulless life...

Me, Myself and I!!

"Am having so much fun here..."...she said
Fun ?!!
It has been really a while since I last experienced what is the meaning of that word..
I really need to have fun..
But with who ??!!!


ME MYSELF n I !!!!


It is always between me myself and I …
Ma hobbies, ma happiness even ma grief …..All these between me myself and I
When I write, I write what I can't say to nonexisting friend...
When I go in a photo shoot, it is jus me …
When I play my notes, it is just me …
When I want to celebrate my happiness or ma sadness, I do it in ma photos or in ma written thoughts!!!
When this day comes each year , it is usually between me n myself !!!
In ma darkest nights , it is me ...
In ma happiest hours , it is me ...

It seems You 're havin such a strange way of dealing with me ...
I never had such a person that I can know that whenever I need I can find , not even once !!
I never had such events that seem so normal for others ...!!
You do give me persons that support...
But
These people have their own life , am jus a small part of their life..
These persons are not there most of the time...
When I need someone usually that one isn't there for me ....
You give me what I need not what I want ....
Seems like even what I need I can't find !!!

I feel that I am destined to stay with Me Myself n I !!!

What's next ??!!!

I needed to take it out…
It has been sometimes now…
I feel so useless…
I do nothing…
What is ma mission Lord?
I need to know why you put me in this place in this time.
Why is everything becoming so unstable??!!
I lost the vision, or it is fading…
I need to refocus …
It isn’t about what I want to do …
It’s about You r planning for me and I can’t see !!!

What’s next?
Things changing….nothing stable…
Everything turning upside down!!!
Switching and changing everything
I know that when things go strange like that …
It is only You …!!!
“Who said God doesn’t have a sense of humor??!!” said he ….
So am just waiting ….
Waiting to see what’s next …!!!

Lost Dreams...

I lost ma dreams …literally…
I don’t dream anymore when I sleep
I don’t like that
This is not a good sign…
I can’t remember anything…
When I remember …all I can remember is me falling…
Or worse…I cant remember any details about the dream …
BUT….I can remember it as an overall very bad dream, which makes it worse!!!
I am losing myself …

What if all that around me are just illusions that ma mind made up?
She doesn’t exist, they doesn’t exist…
Am I making up happiness or does it really exist?
The thin line between reality and no reality

............

"And every one [that was] in distress, and every one that [was] in
debt, and every one [that was] discontented, gathered
themselves unto him" 1st Sam 22:2
You put me in her life , in his life , in their life ...
You put me in strange timing in people life....
People that need my help ...
People that needs someone to feel for them ...

"In all their affliction he was afflicted" Is 63:9
I feel for them...
You created me with such a compassionate heart that feel for others...
It is so strange...
I feel their pain as my pain , their burden as my burden...
I love them and care for them so much...
You gave me these special people in ma life ...
They were Your voice and Your touch many times...
They showed me new aspects about You ...

What if You were on earth today ??
What would You do if You were ma place ??
ooh I think it is the other way ....
What will I do when am in Your place?!!
Yes...You put in these people life to act on Your behalf..!!
It was not a coincidence that I knew her these days...it was never a coincidence !!
This is what You used to do ...
"But when he saw the multitudes, he was moved
with compassion on them, because they fainted, and were
scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd" Math 9 :36

You could feel for the people...
This is the gift You gave me...
You gave me to feel for people , to share their pain n their burden...
I wonder many times ....
When I feel so sad or distressed when someone is in pain...
Don't You feel more than what I do feel ??!!!
Or is it that I care for that person more than You do ??!!!!
I then realise that You are always there...

What else can I do other than share their burden ??!!
Sometimes I feel am chained...I can do nothing
I pray...
All I can do is pray...
This is Your secret
"And it came to pass in those days, that he went out into a mountain
to pray, and continued all night in prayer to God." Luke 6:12
"And he came out, and went, as he was wont, to
the mount of Olives" Luke 22:39
You used to go there !!!
You used to go throw all the people burdens before God !!!
You didn't need to but you were teaching me the secret of Your power in Your life on earth !!!

Please , help me to pray for them
To make their burden my main concern in my prayer ..
Help me to become an intercessor on their behlaf befoer You..!!
Give me the words to speak ..
Put in me a heart that throw all the pain and burden before Your feet !!!
Help me to Love them like You Love them !!!
Help me to show them Your love !!!

Happy...

I am happy...
The day was good...
and She is happy ...
I am happy coz she is happy and doing good :)

Business...

Business, Gross Margin, sales, market share…
Many expressions and abbreviations
Many figures and graphs!!
Filling my head that I can't find myself
I am not created for that!!!
I am not created to be a business man
I don't have the business mentality, though I have the business character!!
I don't want to use it , I don't want to mutate
I don't want to get infected
I don't want that to dominate my life …
I can see what that has done to her
I don't blame her …..
It takes many shapes and many names
Family, better future, security, for sake of the kids, prove ma self…
Different names that lead to one result
You mutate …
You change mentally and socially and everything
You don't have time for anything…ANYTHING
Even the family that was your main reason to do that, you don't have time for the family …!!!
Then, you begin to wake up!!
You see you r stuck in a dilemma
You don't know what to do
The only one who can help is you and Him!!!
All I can do is say a prayer….a prayer for a friend…

Prayer For A Friend

Prayer for a friend...

Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You
Complicated circumstances have clouded his view
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

I fear that I won't have the words that he needs to hear
I pray for Your wisdom, oh God, and a heart that's sincere
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You
My best friend in the world, I know he means much more to You
I want so much to help him, but this is something he has to do
And Lord, I lift my friend up to You

'cause there's a way that seems so right to him
But You know where that leads
He's becoming a puppet of the world, too blind to see the strings
Lord, I lift my friend up to You
My friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You

She is...

She is a friend...
She trusts me...
She is a free spirit ...!!!
BUT...
She is Infected ..
I can't leave her like that ...
I should do something...
I dunno what to do ....
All I can do is pray for her , lift her to You...

.....he said !!!

what is the aim of this phase of ma life ??

"it is difficult to serve God only
as it will be for the rest of your life
in whatever you do...do it for God
not for yourself
or your security
or your future
but for God alone
....
It's hard to do....
A lot of times it is our own cares and concerns that take the primary prioritiy spots in our hearts and minds while God wants to be there and take care of the rest for us but we lose trust..
We concern ourself with "What ifs" ,we forget that God has everything under control "
....he said

Disease...

Seems I am getting this disease
Seems am getting Infected again...
I thought I could resist
I am trying to resist
But...
Will I get infected ?!!

Detached...

" Whoever plays with fire , will get burnt one day "...he said
Am I playing with fire ?
Is it fire that I find out am havin every time ?!!
The last time it was fire ....
How to avoid fire ?
Are these thoughts a delusion or reality ??
I need to get detached..
How ?
Why does this happen each time ??!!!
Thoughts in ma head...so I can’t trust ma self anymore!!!

Importance...

You never know how something is so important for you until you feel you are almost losing it....
At this point you begin to realise...
You begin to see and know...
You know that nothing is granted forever..
You thank God for His gifts n blessings !!!

What is it that you miss the most ?

"What is it that you miss the most ?" ...she asked
It took me a while to answer...
Looking back at this exact time of the year one year ago ..
I was there..
What I miss the most ??
The spirit ...
I miss that spirit of freedom , that spirit of love , that spirit serving !!
I miss freedom ...
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32
I knew the Truth , and the Truth did set me free !!
It was a strange kind of freedom !!
Having nothing in your mind other than Jesus and the happy times to spend with Him !!
Nothing to disturb you or make you think alot
No relations , friendships , money , job , family , possesions , outings , shopping , ......NOTHING !!!
It is jus you , mother nature and Him !!
What I miss the most ?
I miss that feeling that I had every morning wondering what great things Jesus would do today and how would He use me amazingly in that day !!!
I miss the feeling of His presence all the time !!
I miss the times we used to laugh and had lots of fun with Him laughing with us and sharing with us these amazing times by His amazing presence !!!
I miss it all the time ...
Specially when I see these days and how am doing and take a look 1 year back !!
How could 1 year make that difference !!
BUT ...
You are always here :)
I am on ma way to reknow the Truth ....
To make the Truth set me free ....

You exist...They exist ...It exists ....!!!

You are there God....
You were always there ...
For the last couple of weeks I thought You were gone !!
Maybe You were busy managing the universe..!!
I couldn't feel Your presence anywhere , in anything , with anyone !!
I had really hard time ...
The funny thing about it is that I knew that the solution to everything is You and I kept advising people about that while I was totally far away from You !!!
I knew the medicine and I didnt take it !!
I though it was the end !!
BUT
You came to calm ma storm !!
I was thinking of one word she said before and thought how would it apply with You !!
" Howa ana hont 3alik ?!!"...she asked and I also asked
Recently I've lost ma piece of mind and ma inner piece ...
Anything small could disturb me ...
Many things were going wrong in ma life
Then you came quietly calming ma storm and fixing everything !!
You gave me back my value !!
My value is in You and not in relations, emotions, talents or even friends !!!
I need Your spirit to dwell in me !!
Calm all the storms around me !!

They exist ...!!!
These people are not in ma dreams only but they are reality !!
When I met them I could feel it ...they are free spirits !!
Free spirits that have their freedom in You ...
You gave these spirits their freedom , You created them free spirits ...
You created me a free spirit also !!
For a free spirit to survive in this world without You is equal to death ...
I thank you for making me see that there are free spirits these days ..
That there are people who really love you from all their hearts ..
Spirits that are willing to give up everything and do anything crazy for You , with You ..

It exists ..
The dream exists ..
I am not the only one to have that dream ..
That dream exists..
I though that I lost that dream for sometime
I thought I lost the vision also
I lost the dream coz I wasnt seeing you
Without You there is no dream !!
I know that the dream was always there and will always be there !!
It just needs to be in Your hands ..
"What is more important , the dream or the dreamgiver ??!!"...she asked
I know that the dream is there coz there is a dreamgiver
Without the dreamgiver , there is no dream !!

Some feelings...

Happiness....

A feeling that I thought I lost for sometime

BUT

It was always there !!

When I have friends who can cheer me up when am totally down...

When I know that am blessed...

When I know that ma presence here is a part of His plan !!

When I figure out that there is someone who trusts me coz God gave me grace in his eyes...coz that is the gift God gave me ... !!!

When I know that am not alone and there is someone supporting me all the time...

I should look around to find happiness there , jus waiting for me :)

Missing ...again

Again...same feeling but stronger
Same question ringing all the time
What is missing ?!!

From The Inside

From The Inside

Book Of Darkness...Chapter 4 ....

My Value....
Where do I find ma value ?!!

In a person ?
In a relation ?
In a place ?
In a job ?
In a country ?
In a feeling ?
In a moment ?
In a talent ?

What is missing here ?!!

It's all a part of the book of darkness

Her answer….

“Why do you trust me that much, although we jus knew each other??!! “…I asked

It took her a while to answer
It struck her for the first time that she had trusted me so far…
She began rethinking and revising all what happened and how we met for the first time…
Then she answered ….

“When I met you I had this feeling as if I had a scanner that scanned you in the depths and found something so special, something so pure and something strange but good…!” she answered……

She trusts me so fully…..she trusts me more than me trusting maself !!

Then what….
Am I worthy of that trust ?
Am I a trustworthy person ?

Thoughts in ma head ….so I can’t trust ma self anymore!!!

Thoughts in ma head !!
Everything and anything…
Death…they had a car accident and all of them died…
Illness….I was in that hospital very sick and dying
Love…..I finally met her….
God…why are You so ignoring me so lately??
Work….can’t prove ma existence…so worthless…
Dream…do I have a real one to achieve…
Music…can I really put all ma heart in one thing and succeed in it?!!
Friends….simple things such as that surprise would make ma day really …!!!
Photography…..that scene that I captured with ma eye and memorized in ma mind…

Can't Sleep...
Thoughts strugglin in ma head ...killin me

Vacuum....

The nothingness inside of me
The vacuum am living in
The emptiness surrounding me

So hollow inside …

I can’t feel it anymore
Can’t feel love , peace , happiness
All these emotions that I used to know ….
I can’t feel anything anymore
“Can’t find yourself…lost in your life “ ….Evanescence

Everybody’s fool …
That’s me in the mean time
Doing total nothing other than pleasing people
I can’t find someone to trust
I can’t someone whom I can feel comfortable and peaceful in his presence

I need it so much …
I need a big hug from someone who really loves me for the sake of being me
Who loves me from the bottom of his heart!!!
Who really cares for me
Who love me real love
Whom I can trust
Who can take me out to the real world …outta that vacuum

My Dream…..Her Vision….

She has a dream …
She has a vision …..

“We live life once…so why waste it??
Why not enjoy doing things that we like?!!
If I don’t study music and enjoy doing the only thing in life that I enjoy …when shall I do that??!!” ….she said

Art…theories of music…piano…Italian language
All these are keywords in the life of a musician…
She left her job …
She has a plan ….
She is making her dream a reality
She is taking clear steps…
It is now or never …!!

I wish I can have any steps taken to make my dream a reality
BUT
Before that, I should know what my dream is!!
I can’t find my dream…
Every time I think that I recognized my dream , it turns out to be an illusion …

I wanna have a vision , a dream
I envy her really…she is amazing and fulfilling her dream !!

Dedicated to the soul of every artist …
The soul that struggles to come out to the light …

...even in ma dreams...

A dream it was...
Even in that dream...
I was chased by everyone....
The police....the intelligence...the agency...my friends...my family !!!
I was seeking a shelter in ma home...but even that wasn't a safe house...they found me there...
It is a very bad feeling when you seek protection and shelter with your family and friends ..BUT...you are not safe !!!
There was that woman drivin that 4*4 ..she was familiar for me but I can't remember...on the borders I was caught by the guards ....
I was in that african town and I was disguised as a niqab veiled woman...BUT...they found me...
Even Abouna my friend coudn't protect me...

even in the dream I can't have peace of mind...I can't feel safe !!

Emotional Maturity...

Mature...a word that means a lot...
A word that I need to feel...
Emotional maturity...
To be emotionally mature, to be the one who control your own emotions, to be the one who holds control of youself...
I feel that I am lacking this kind of maturity...
I have a soul of an artist and the heart of a free spirit..

Danger...
This is what I feel these days...I feel that danger is nearby...
I feel that this is related to the emotional maturity...
" whoever plays with fire...one day must get burnt..!! "

Experience..

Experience is what we gain from time..
It is what we gain from what we go throught..
Not all what we go through is pleasant..
Many times the experience you gain is hard...
You have to accept that you will gain something and on the other hand you will suffer....bittersweet..
Pain is generally something that we must go through..
Sometimes pain is so painfull...
What is more painfull is the change that follows ..
You change...wether you like it or not
You have to play the game according to the rules of the game...
Even if you play with their rules...you reach a point where you fail..why ??!!
Simple...
"It's not how you play the game...
it's how the game plays you..!!"

Knowledge VS Responsibility....

Is it about more info that I know every day…
When I say more info, I mean more than what I am supposed to know
People that want to “take it all from the inside” ….
People that trust me …..I am their loyal friend
People that force me to get involved in their daily life secrets
People that make me know little details that may be shameful …
Turning to a father of confession rather than being a friend willing to help them and hear their problems!!!

“Take everything from the inside and throw it all away
Cuz I swear for the last time I won’t trust myself with you”…..Linkin Park

It is turning to a sort of a therapy…..I am for some people a shrink and for others a father of confession!!
In fact it is beginning to irritate me!!
Not what they do is what irritates me
BUT
The fact how people sees me
How they can’t imagine that too much info is harmful for me!!
It is the case when knowledge is a curse!!
Knowledge is responsibility
I am responsible for these people know
I must pray for them
I must think wisely, respond wisely and speak wisely while being with these people
I am responsible while in fact I am not!!
I can’t hold responsibility for ma self….
BUT….
It is my mission…
Thinking again why God had made me know that person or made that person open up to me particularly …I know that I have a mission
I am not there by coincidence ….what I heard was not a coincidence
I must react
I must pray
I must do my mission ….that is guide people to the light…to You

The mask VS Me...!!!

It seems even the mask ain't working..
It is between me and the mask now !!
Me VS the mask !!
What is required for now is that the mask dominates over me !!
So there's no Me anymore...jus a mask...!!
A fake image of the old soul !!

" it is not about your skills...it is about you !! "...he said

De Profundus Clemo Ad Te DOMINE..!!

thoughts...

Regretting?....no
I never regret an action that I took...it is an experience that teaches me ..
Desperate?.....sort of...
Sad?.....somehow....
Thinking ?...all the time !!
Reconsidering ?.....maybe....
Brokenhearted?......dunno...
Praying?...always....

The contrast....

Like the contratst between black and white...
Like the contrast between dark and light....

Like the contast between bad and good...
Like the contrast between an angel and a demon ...

That's how I feel ...
When I see her...I see the contrast
When I see You...I see the contrast

She is an angel....
You are God ....
I am....

Masks....

Masks...that is ma life now

A mask I wear in the morning before goin to work
I have to be always smiling , always cheerful, always helpful....
I am down ...I am depressed
But...
I wear that mask...hiding the tears of a broken heart underneath and showing the smiley face on that masked face

A mask I wear in the morning before goin to church
I have to be always humble , always obedient , always kind......
I am not a saint....I am not an angel...
But....
I wear that mask....hiding all ma sins and iniquities.....showing the outer shape of an angel.....

Who am I ?!!
I wonder if I stopped wearing these masks how will it go ..??!!
How will it be ....
without the masks !!

what if ..??!!

what if I didn talk to her ??

But..

what if I died without ever talkin to her ??!!



what if I waited some time and didn rush up ??



what if I didn go to kenya last summer ??!!!



what if it was the right person ?
what if it wasn't the right person ?
what if it was the right time ??
what if it wasn't the right time ??

what if there was a plan ??!!
what if there was no plan ??!!!!!

why.....??!!

continued....

I sometimes think that she was too perfect that I wasn't worthy of having such an angel !!!
Really she is an angel !!!
I keep thinkin what if I didn open it up with her ??!!!
could it have worked ??!!!
But
what if I died today without ever telling her ?!!
I had one wish to do before ma death...tell her " I love you !!"

That was not ma 1st time !!!
After ma 1st time I took a decision not to do it again
Generally I am not the kind of guy that get attracted to anyone ..But !!!
I thought many times before takin a step or even havin a thought coz I don wanna make a mistake ...I don wanna lose her or lose maself !!
I stopped ma self more than once ....
I interpreted it as an illusion ..
But
It was still there and she was still there ....
I waited ..waited ...waited...
Then I thought it was the timed...seems You didn have the same opinion !!

Now....
She is there I am here ....
Broken...maybe...
Depressed....dunno
Emotional......
Sad....
Reconsidering......
Well what I know is that I will not be the same !!
I lost a dream...a major dream...
I don have many dreams to afford losing one !!!
I lost ma heart....
Will survive...heartless...emotionless.....waiting to see Your hand working again and reviving me
Till then....
I will jus hope ...But I will not dare to dream !!!

why....??!!!

why....

A phone call was the answer ...
It was so sarctastic that it came in that specific time !!!
why...

Is it I that can't have it
Is it with me

You are ma father...You are ma friend...Youare ma God !!
You gave me the right to dream...imagine....love....
why do You come at some point to stop that ?!!
I know that this is Your will for the moment ....and " thy will be done !!'
But...
You gave me feelings and emotions including the feeling of sadness
that strange feelings that makes you so cold...so frozen ......
you can't feel anything ....
becomin a lifeless soul tryin to survive in a soulless life !!!
I am not complaining...
I knew that the answer will be Yours coz ""The preparations of the heart in man, and the answer of the tongue, is from the LORD"
I was tryin to accept the "No" as from You...
But...
It is hard ma Lord..!!!
I know it is hard..
I know You know it is hard...

....to be continued

Her Shadow....

A stranger she was....
A stranger she lived and a stranger she died
A stranger she was but known to all ....
A heart of a stranger she had
A simple heart
A heart that loved ...
A heart that gave everything.....

"Blessed [are] the pure in heart: for
they shall see God " Mat 5 :8

Her shadow is still here...her spirit is around.....shining love n purity

RIP ma friend
In her memory

march 1981 - april 2008

Losing a friend....

It is ma first time to lose a friend ...
or that what it appears for me ...

A friend she was.....was she ??
More than a friend ....maybe...

Ma first loss ever....
It is so hard when it comes to happen with her ....

A Prayer

A prayer

To all the people who have seen the light

To all the people whom the light touched their soul

To all the people who seek freedom...

To all the people who seek truth..

To all the people who are bounded by relations, culture, environment that put them in chains

To all those whom You touched...

To all those whom You revealed Yourself to...

To all those waiting for a new day...a new start...

To all those hoping in You and Your promise..

In Your name...I pray.....

Dedicated to you....

In the presence of God

Well I first intended to write this down after the series of amazing services with PTL where I experienced deeply the presence of the Lord ...
For some reason or another I faded down and was slipping into a pit of spiritual laziness
Then I felt as if God is wakin me up ...first through the blog of a fellow missionary brother then through watchin F Anthony sermon on 2008 theme ...which was about Revival through praise ..then talkin with a friend about the theme of the next service in the choir and
suggesting to have it about praise !!

Revival comes through experiencing the presence of God...The feeling that comes when you know you are standing before the throne...you are talking to Him ...
What else do you need when you are in His presence ?!!
"In Your presence is fullness of joy;At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore." Psalm16:11
Presence of God comes in praising God !!"But You are holy Enthroned in the praises of Israel" Psalm 22:3
God silences the angels jus to hear our praise..!!
I will praise you ...
For I have seen you I will praise you and ma praise shall never cease !!
For I have seen Your hand..I will praise you in the storm..!!

There she sat....

Alone she sat ...
Drinking and smoking she sat ..
Burdened she sat ...
"Maybe she drinks to forget how her guy treated her !!!" a
friend commented

She may seem as a whore from the outside
But ...
She is a soul from the inside ...
A soul that needs care and love
She finds noone to speak to
She grabs a conversation with the bartender...
She needs someone to listen to her
All she needs is an open heart !!
All she needs is some true care and love
This time she is willing to pay not get paid !!
She needs something true out of all the illusion she lives
in !!

In the subway

In the subway

Faces , emotions , thoughts
Going through the faces in the subway , searching
People unsatisfied , arguing , fighting
The usual smile that used to exist before is not there
The kindness is gone
That woman is sad , that man is arguing on the phone , that guy is thinking deeply about his life and problems ...
People can't get rid of their problems
They drown in the life of burdens
They don't have a Savior

no...
They don't know they have a savior
Even those who know they have a savior , those called by his name , christians ...
They don't feel it
They don't use this fact
I couldn't find 1 smile on anyface ...all faces are troubled and burdened
I wanted to scream
People... WE HAVE A SAVIOR.....He was born for us , He came to take that is ours and give us that is His ...

But...
Who can show them the light if the light bearers turned it to darkness ??
Both became equal , normal
You can't differentiate between light and darkness
All are the same ...
All that , in the subway

The Heart of a stranger...

The Heart of a stranger....
The heart that can't feel any joy or happiness in a happy day ..
A heart of a stranger...
Feeling lonely and strange most of the time , searchin for the way ...

What is my vision , what is my dream
Away I stray , seeking a beam ...

well 'am not so much in writing things that sound like poets or so..but this one jus came like that !!

Really that's what I feel these days..
The heart of a stranger...
Maybe after when I heard about them , and she being in town....it brough back some memories...
The eternal everlasting question....Will I ever find ma soulmate ?!!
I know that since the day I agreed to gamble with God I agreed to leave Him everythin, and when I say everything I mean literally everything...
Dunno why when this return back to kenya issue popped up and ma trip was cancelled and then I heard about them...dunno
I know that 'am human and that 'am weak...so please don leave me like that
Please I need to know why 'am I here know in this country ???!!!
What is ma mission in this place this time ???!!!
getting somehow confused in here !!



...,and they told Him " Tell us about Africa..."
He looked towards the east and said : " Africa is the deepest core in your hearts..
it's that longing feeling that makes you wake up at
dawn to live the new hope "
"Africa is a desire inside of you that was neither
finished nor completed , but still remains till now...a virgin"

From the book : The African Prophet - Mina Guirguis